NEFT Transfer (I)

Just had to blog about this; it actually happened yesterday.

So there i was thinking whadahell, i'll bleeping smile and laugh all i want, my brokeass-ness and perennial troubles can go take a dive in the lagoon for all i care. Easier said than done, mind u, but i managed to pull it off sha. Naim i come say mak i call mumsie and confirm say the bulk of my salary (and i mean BULK!) wey i send mak she take settle issues don reach her hand.

It was a bad idea.

Ring-ring.
"Mumsie how far? U don withdraw am?"

"No-o, i am still waiting for the bank SMS alert. And your dad has..."

(**i interrupt**) "You haven't gotten it??!! But i sent it since tuesday!"

(**oblivious to the interruption**) "...has been calling all day, saying Stephen dem hav been asking..."

(i interrupt again) "But mummy have you checked? Are you in the bank?"

(**oblivious once again) "... asking and demanding for the thing. I don't just know, this NEFT transfer thing sef..."

(**now getting angry**) "Mummy have you checked?!"

(**thankfully it sank in**) "No, no... I'm guessing it will probably finally enter tomorrow, so i called Stephen's wife and Ubana dem, and told them to be a little more patient..."

(**royally pissed now but trying to keep voice down**) "But mummy now!! Why didn't you call me? Its past three now, and they've been waiting since tuesday... Ohh-hm!! Mtcheeww!!"

(getting upset too) "kay9, its this NEFT transfer thing, i wish you'd just sent cash..."

"Ok mummy, i'll call you back, let me call the bank."

I ring off and furiously scroll through my e63 nokia for my account officer's number... i was really fuming and muttering and foaming in the mouth now... On top say i'm basically broke cos i sent all my dough home, naim person come dey use my money play!! Chai, i swear, walahi, somebodi will catch fire today...!!!

Lol..

Ok, lets rewind a little. See, the gist is that you can now send and receive money online from any bank in Nigeria... in principle, at least. There's this ish called NEFT transfer that basically runs the joint; to use it u need to know the destination bank's name, branch, SORT code, and the receiver's new NUBAN account number (every account in Nigeria has that now). And by the way, i'm pretty sure "NEFT" and "SORT" and "NUBAN" all mean something sensible, even if i don't remember being told what they are.

Ok o, na so i go bank to withdraw cash jejely, only for the service personnel to start yiddy-yakking about NEFT. Yes, i'd heard of it, but i thought only GTBank currently uses it? No, she says, all smiles and dimples, all banks use it now. Just fill here, here, and here, and u'r good to go. Okay o. Na so i call mumsie and she send the details sharpish; there and then i filled out the NEFT form and had it posted. Goodbye, july salary. This was tuesday morning.

Fast forward to 3:05pm, thursday afternoon... (chuckling) well, u know the rest... there i was thinking whadahell, i'll bleeping smile and laugh all i want... Ring-ring!..."Ok mummy, i'll call you back, let me call the bank."...

Walahi, sombodi go catch fire today!!!

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That was all yesterday, i'll tell the rest tomorrow (it actually ended wonderfully).

@NuttyJ, kiah, Rep1, rethots, and Mancee, thanks a lot guys; i really appreciate your kind words - and i'm smiling now!

Old Jokes... i think

Just some jokes i scavenged off Nairaland's Jokes section...

****

Blind Pilots
Two pilots get on a plane, both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die."

***

Pick-up-the-phone
A Jamaican Rastaman went to the hospital for treatment on his badly burnt ears and the doctor asked him, "How did you get your ears so badly burnt?"
The rasta replies, "I and i a-iron mi shirt and one eddiat bwoy caal mi 'pon mi cellphone, and insteada me ansa the phone, me pick up de iron and ansa it."
"Ok,"says the doctor, smiling a little. "That explains one ear. But how do you explain the other ear?"
"The bumbastic eediat call me back!!"

***

Pregnancy Test
Three guys are gisting in a beer joint. First guy says, "When my wife was pregnant she was reading a book, A Tale of Two Cities, and she gave birth to twins". The second guy says his wife was reading The Three Musketeers when she was pregnant, and she gave birth to triplets. The third guy drops his beer bottle and starts running home. Bewildered, the other two run after him. They get to his house and see him burning a book. Still panting, the guy explains that the book is Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves - and his wife who is pregnant was reading it!! Aaaaah…not in this house ……it cannot happen!!

In-between the ROVs

I'm a little at loss how to begin this post, learning the ropes all over again maybe. I actually had to force myself to post this. Been postponing for days now. So here i am, halfway through the report on ROVs i was supposed to have submitted yesterday, and i'm like, wtf, i'm gonna blog right now.

Anybody remember that Schwarzeneger movie where a kid goes to a cinema and somehow gets sucked into the action movie he was watching? Remember how the kid kept saying gleefully, "I'm in a movie! I'm in a movie!!"? Well, that's kinda like how i felt yesterday. Lol... here, go see. Thing is, umm, hey Freaksho, can i get more lines? I mean, all i did was shake my head a couple of times and thump at some computer; mehn, even the frigging gorilla in KingKong had more lines than that, lol... And while we're at it, how about throwing some activity my way? I gotta tell u, i have this bad-ass Jet Li move i've been trying out, u know... :D

Ok, gotta run back to the ROVs. My coy just merged with (more like was bought over, actually) with these bigger dudes, and there's talk of some guys going on training. Mmm, hope it gets to me.

Adios.

THE WAY I ARE

To all the NIGERIAN girlfriends i’ve dated in my life, and to the ones I’m still gonna date in future:

1. My pay-check bears only my name; stop asking me how much it has on it.

2. Either call me or don’t; “flashing” is no longer acceptable. It is silly, childish, clogs up the network, and seriously reduces my battery life.

2(b). A relationship is a two-way thing; it saddens me that I do all the calling (and texting and "facebooking", too).

2(c). When I call you today, don’t ask me why I didn’t call yesterday; honestly, I can’t even begin to explain how annoying that is.

3. Until you start paying the cab guy, picking up our dinner tab, paying for our movie tickets, recharging my phone every week, adding me to your monthly budget  – in fact, until you start doing (at least) half of what I’m doing for you, don’t even talk to me about equality. I don't like to discuss it, but honestly, money talks louder where i come from.

4. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, shebi? So how come you can have texts on phone that begin “Hello swt hrt…”, and I can’t?

5. I can actually cook for myself. I just thought I should remind you.

6. I’m sure Sigmund Freud said somewhere that women enjoy sex as much as men do, so pray tell, is it just me or is something really wrong with you?

7. For chrissakes, watch some foreign movies – I’m tired of hearing about Osuofia and Aki and Paw-paw!

8. I will never raise my hand against you, I swear it – but you’d better never raise yours neither. Babe, this is Nigeria; around here it’s only in home movies that women slap men and get away with it.

9. And lastly, I’m your boyfriend, not your father – and we ain’t married yet, neither. So you should understand when I wish you’d stop asking me for money to make your hair (or a million other things you keep cooking up). I actually know when to do treats for you, so please stop asking me for them yourself! It spoils the whole romantic kiniko. Msshewwww!

Now, if all these make me a bad boyfriend, or  a “scrub”, or “unromantic”, or whatever name it is dubbed these days, then sorry – that’s just the way I are.

I'm Drooling All Over This...

Hey guys.

Don't worry about the title, i'll tell y'all what i'm drooling over later, make i just first mis-yarn small. And while we're at it, may i categorically say it now that this post is probably not gonna make much sense. As in, it doesn't have any thread whatsoever about it. So if you are tempted to break your laptop and strangle Blogger to death after reading it, well, umm, just go ahead.
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It's been a while since i posted last. I dont know why. And i'm too tired to bother. Maybe i'm losing my mojo.
 ...........................................

I'm going to buy a car before this year is out. I'm tired of begging people for rides - tired of having to wait for the rain to abate a little so i can go out and look for a cab (yes, abate a little because i have SWORN never to own an umbrella!) - tired of waiting for hours at the roadside waiting for a cab - tired of getting tired of waiting for a cab and walking off in frustration only to have the said cabs drive by and splash muddy water on me. I'm tired! But na tokumbo i go buy o, i never get 2.5m to invest in "tear-rubber" now, abeg.
Oh, and by the way, i'm still learning to drive. Yes, yes, i know it sucks major, almost as bad as* never having had an orgasm and having painful hemorrhoids. But its my dad's fault, really. See, we only ever had one car - a 1983 505 Peugout, the love of my dad's life. And he swore never to let any other person drive it (besides my mum, of course). How me and #2 pleaded and begged, Daddy, please now, only us can't drive yet in this street, all our friends can drive and they're laughing at us... For where, whosai! My dad said when i grow up, i should buy my own car and learn with it. So here i am, 26 years old, and still yet to take off the L-plates - i never even put the yeye plate sef, talk more of removing it. Mssheew.
The old dude still drives the darned 505, by the way, the Shylock! (I lurv my daddy o, lol!!)

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I'm sitting the office right now, waiting for a babe who's visiting me from Lagos to arrive (the weekend is starting tomorrow, thursday n friday are public holidays). She's coming by road. I'm still waiting... and dreaming of all the beer i'd have drank by now.

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People, guess what? Satzenbrau is back in town!! Oh yes, the good old Skirt and Blouse - or as my Onitsha bros dem dey called it in the days, "Saacham-Brain" ("Wash-my-Brain"). And guess what else? IT COST ONLY 100 BUCKS!!! (about 67 cents). Mehn, me and my guys have been drinking like crazy!!! Shoo, no be small tin o. I don't know how much a bottle of lager beer costs in America or Europe, but here in Naija the average is N200 (we call it "Pump Price"); Gulder, Star, Heineken, etc; same for Guinness stout and medium. Guinness Extra Smooth and Guinness large are N350. Now, with all these in mind, imagine getting a bottle of beer for half the normal pump price! And as if the price wasn't incentive enough, the beer itself is the SMOOTHEST i've ever tasted, honestly. I tell my friends, this beer is fine, divine, and simply sublime!! Hahahaa, just like kissing a girl, babe!
It was so funny yesterday. Usually, on a good friday night, we blow like 5k on beer alone; other nights, like mid-week wednesday (we call it "Mid-week Service"), we do like 2k or 3k. So yesterday, after we'd done like 3 bottles apiece - that's usually our ceiling on a Mid-week Service - we looked around, counted the bottles and did the arithmetic. It came up to approximately one thousand bucks... ONLY ONE THOUSAND NAIRA??!! Are u freaking kidding me?! Mehn, we just yelled for joy and screamed at the bar girl to bring more! LWKMD!!

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Ah-haa, i almost forgot. About this title sef, thing is i couldn't think of anything to call this post, so i just typed in the last comment i'd made on Isha's blog. Cool, huh?  Here's what i was drooling about; read it and see if you don't drool, too.

(* edited)

Scope 101

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Picks phone. "Hello?
“Hello, please call me back. Please, please, pleeeez!” Click!
Deep sigh. Girls! Punching numbers… Ring-!

“Hi! How’re you doing?”

“I’m ok, you?”

“I’m good, good, just… I was a little…”

“A little what? Ill?

“Yeah, I had a bit of fever. I was very down.”

“Ee-yah. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”

“Well, that’s cos you never call – you never call me unless I call you first.”

“But – but -”

“You boys are like that – you are all like that. (Whining now) You never call me, never…”

“But – but -”

“But what?”

“But I called you just yesterday!”

“Yes, you did – because I flashed you first!”

Chuckling. “Baby… baby, why are you on my case like this? Relax! Don’t you know that you are my one and only?”

“Mmmh? Really?”

“Of course! The mere thought of you makes my heart skip.”

Giggling girlishly. “It’s a lie. You are just saying all that to make me feel good…”

“No, I’m not – you know I’m not.”

Sigh. “Honey…”

Smiling. “Yes…”

“Umm, I need – I need a small favor from you.”

“Favor…”

“Yes dear. Please, it’s just a small something…”

“Something…”

“Umm yeah. I just – I just need a little money for my weekend shopping, something like fifteen thousand naira…”

“What??”

“Honey, I said I need fifteen thousand naira, you know, just for weekend stuff and…”

“Fifteen k? For shopping?”

“Yes now… Honey it’s not much, I know you can handle it.”

“Mmmh. Fifteen thousand. Fifteeeeeeeen thousand…”

“Yes. Please don’t say no…”

“Alright.”

“Oh thanks, dear! That’s why you are my honey-pie!”

“Umm, I’ll make a couple of calls, see how it goes. You’ll be free tomorrow, right?”

“Babe, I don’t know…”

“C’mon, give a home-boy some quality time, eh…” (makes silly funny noices)

Giggling again. “Oooo-kay, but honey, don’t disappoint me o. You still have my account number abi?”

“Of course. Hey, you can relax, you know I don’t eff-up. I’ll call you, ‘k?”

“Alright. Kiss-kiss!”

“Bye.”

***
Click!

Turns to roomie and grins triumphantly.

“You get am? ‘Im gree?” asks roomie.

“Yes now! You no trust me? I scope am full time! (laughs heartily)

“Correct babe, abeg collect five jare!”

“Cool fifteen k for account tomorrow, heeheehee! Mmmh, oya abeg find another mugu numba make we flash am…”

***
Click!

Turn to pal and grins from ear to ear. “O’boy see dis mumu girl, for her mind she don knack jack-pot!”
“Na dat Ekaete babe? Na she dey ask for fifteen k?”

“Yes o! (laughs)

“Shebi na you get CBN now!”

“No be only CBN, even World Bank! Make she show tomorrow make I collect kpetus first; that fifteen k don enter serious voice mail…”

Now, who's really "scoping" who?

The "Happy Time" Conclusion

Last night, while me and my friends (C. and M.) were hanging out, pouring libations to St. Bacchus, the issue of God's Will came up. How it happened was, C. was trying to call some babe with whom he had a shagging arrangement that night, but it seemed the bird had turned tail cos he kept on getting "number unavailable". So he takes to bemoaning his fate and says something like "God, if its your will, let me shag this night... Amen."

C.'s pretty religious, see.

Of course we all got cracking up, like Dude, are you crazy? Shagging is a sin! M. even goes as far as saying that it is actually God's will that he doesn't shag. See bad belle, hee-hee!

Anyway, all this lead me to thinking, What really is God's will? Cos i honestly don't subscribe to the "holy, holy, and holy" mantra - no way God's that boring. All through the bible, God almost always hangs out with some dude (or dudette) who had some kick in him - you know, someone who every once in a while took some time out to just swagga back and have some good ole' fun. Check out Samson, David, Solomon, Elijah, Abraham, Esther (she was a Queen, imagine! So much party!). Even way into the New Testament, St. Paul was still advicing the young Timothy to chill out and have some wine (yeah, for his stomach, i know. But c'mon, wine is wine).

See, all these good fellas i mentioned, all they did was maintain a healthy balance between the serious issues of life (like being prayerful, upright, honest, hard-working, etc.), and the fun-side of living - like sipping a likkle Moet and Hennessy, some harmless flirting, you know, and a shag or two once in a while! You think about it, God made us in His image, right? Now, every one of you reading this, tell me that you don't feel like just loosening up and having some silly good time every now and then, huh? Doesn't it just feel like instinct? Now go a lil' step further; if i'm an image of God and i'm like this, what does it tell me about God? Yeah, yeah, you can scream Blasphemy! all you want, but me i don talk my own.

Of course all this begs the question: if God thought having "fun" was such a good idea, why does his commandments demand otherwise? Easy. Cos if there weren't rules, peeps would overdo it!! Imagine if God didn't say shagging (besides your spouse, that is) was a sin - the whole freaking world would've be filled with kids conceived out of wedlock. Ever wonder why Sodom and Gomorrah was such bad place? Cos they had no rules! Me, i don't mind shagging at all ('specially if its with one sweet and chocolatey mamacita), but meeen, those two cities made an occupation out of it. Plus they were homosexuals - and that's were i draw the line. Homosexuality is BENT. Yup, you heard me. Its so bent, its competing with murder on my Sin Scale.

Ok, my conclusion? God just wants us to have a happy time, BUT WITH LIMITS!! That's all. Here's what i always tell my buddies who don't drink: God wants you to do all your drinking here on earth; that's why there are no breweries in heaven!

(kay9 is cwazy, lol...)

A Pic Post

Pic1:

Here's the best of customer Service - Ojo-Elegba style. Now, if only banks and mobile phone service providers would borrow a leaf from that guy!


Pic2:

This one is actually a sales pitch.
TOYOTA HILLUX FOR SALE: In a slightly (unfairly) used condition; 6-Cow Power Engine ; Can sit more than 5; ZERO fuel requirements; Absolutely NO Speed Limit; Absolutely NO Extra/Recurrent Costs (just arrange enof chowder for the cows). For enquiries, just fly down to Kano (Nigeria), and find your way to the outskirts of the city - you'll see a good dealer if you stand long enough at a road-side.

Pic3:

Lol... i'm laffing so hard i can't even type straight.
However... however, one thing i can say about this dude: He's got his Swagga Mode fully active - totally gyansta, homie! LWKMD! A friend in the office described him as "Aboki with an attitude" - attitude no be small one o.

Pic4:

Yep, it's the Green Monster-Hero alright.
Now, ladies, this one is for you:
What would you do if your man suddenly changed into this guy - colour, size, muscles and all? ( ...and don't forget his Little John!)

Pic5:

Just to brighten your dreary Wednesday; WHY SO SERIOUS??


(Mehn, where's my TDK bootleg dvd...)

Love Is Crazy

WARNING: If you don't have time for a long post, then don't even start reading. Cos this is LOOOOOOONNNNGGG!! :D

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If someone had told me 6 months ago that i'd be posting somthing like this, i'd have asked the person whadahell he or she (she, more than likely) had been smoking. Well, the thing is, eh, i am in love. Jeez, this whole idea sucks... Anyhow i know say some peeps for blogsville don dey suspect me of being love-struck for some months now shaa. What? You want me to say it louder? Ok, fine:

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!!

(lol...)There, i said it, now SugarK and NBB can laugh me into stupor. Yes o, laugh if you want. As in, kay9 the playboy, fall in love ke? Na so i see am o; i don catch love-bug, since September last year sef (e don teeh, abi?). In fact, i no see road on christmas day, na so love just dey shack me ehh, left, right and center.... (lol!)

I guess the next question is Who be dis omoge wey dey make kay9 fall in love? Easy, shebi y'all remember Z? (I mentioned her first here) Well, na she o! Thing is, i remember exactly when i fell in love with Z - the exact moment in time when the inevitable happened, and i was captured. Ahh, that tori long o.

But no wahala, una go hear'am tire (and for those who've not heard me mention Z before); my next post is going to be titled: "All About Z", so keep a date. All of una wey dey like yummy, juicy love-tales, kay9 go give una the story of his love life... in the next episode. This episode, however, is about the crazy things - the THREE MAJOR CRAZY THINGS - that love has got me doing. All the play-boys out there catching them omoge-tails and "oyoyo-sawam", mak una come listen o, e go soon reach una.

1) NOW, WHENEVER I LOOK AT ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL BABE, I DEVELOP A GUILTY CONCIENCE. Ok, maybe "guilty concience" is stretching it, but honestly i can't "look" at any fine babe now without feeling like i'm doing something wrong. By "looking" i mean "appraising the goods", "doing a laser scan", you know... Well, i can't do that any more and - and it sucks! I ain't cheating or anything, am i? So why the guilt?? Damn.

2) I'VE STARTED TALKING LIKE A "LOVE-DOLL". You know all that lovey-dovey stuff they say in romance movies and M&B novels? Well, kay9 don become expert, "guru" in fact. Example: a typical phone conversation btw kay9 and Z about to end...

kay9: Sorry babe, i gotta go.

Z: Really? Mmmmmmmh.... (making funny displeased noises) Ahhhh, ok. Take care of yourself, miss u baby.

kay9: i miss U too. love u, sugar.

Z: love u too, honey-pie.

kay9: love u three, sugar-plum.

Z: (giggling) love u four, my sweet-potato.

kay9: (laughing) love u one million-gazillion, my minimini-wanawana

Z: aiit, kay, u win! (giggling and laughing her head off)... 
See what i mean??

3)I'VE STARTED GOING SOFT. The old me - jeez, i'm old already? - the old me never hesitates to say his mind; never afraid to get into a fight; never backs down in an argument... you know, the regular Jack-Toughman-type, plus i smoke and drink (and loving it, too!!).
Now, i get a pinch somewhere in my brain whenever my voice starts rising - only God in heaven knows where it comes from. I still don't back down like that shaa, but i know i ain't so brash anymore either. And the coup de grace: i've stopped smoking! Guess when i stopped? 31st night, December 2009. I don't know how it happened; all i know is i lighted this stick of B&H, and i just felt: Mehn, i don't think i wanna smoke this. Just like that. Of course, that's not to say i won't just start up again tomorrow... lol. The crazy part to all this is that this is EXACTLY what Z has been praying for since we got together - that i stop being so brash, that i stop drinking and smoking....

Now, now, see, i know this last part is more or less a good thing; i'm not so bent on being "the bad nyaga" that i don't recognize when something good is actually happening to me. Its just that i'm just thinking, if just being in love caused all this, what's gonna happen when i'm married??

Mmm, Chineke lekwa!

Test... and other ish

Okaaaaay! So i just wrote Total's scholarship test. Mmmmh! I don't know if i'll pass o, make una pray for me. The host said to check emails some 7-8 days from today; me i just wished they'll mark it already and let me off this stupid tension. This one don pass shaa; the next stage is an interview with Total executives and the reps from the instution for the program. We'll get there when we get there. Ahem!

But mehn, that test hard o, SHL stuff, VERY little time; then come see me writing at blitzering speed like the devil and all his children and great-grand children where right behind me, LOL.... O'boy, some pple really amused me at the centre. Like one guy who came with three pencils (we'd been instructed to come with pencils, erasers and calculators); the test host had to ask him if he was planning to open a super-market!

Well, in other news, i found this really funny spoof video by someone called Gbenga Salu. The video takes a comical look at the black-listing of good old Naija by the U.S. Enjoy and tell me what you think!

Hitler Defends Nigeria!!