Swing Low...

First things first; thanks to all the nice folks who suggested ways to handle my August visitor and kid bros - miss.fab, fabulola, Ada-bekee, Dark Neo (mehn, that bribe idea really worked!), chybabe, duffie-gurl - thanks a lot. In fact, i should have updated you guys earlier, my bad, i'm really on a bad swing low now...

Well ina nutshell, Z came on friday evening as planned, i picked her up with a taxi-drop (i no get car naw, wetin home-boy go do?); she wanted to meet #2 (my bros), so the sharp guy was still around. We went home; she met #2, and they took to each other like bread and butter - of course my laser beams were on high alert in case bros over-dos it, lol. Ok, we hanged out wiv a coupla my friends; babe doesn't drink, hates the smell of cigarette - in fact i had to drag her out, almost spoiled the fun - #2 went home wiv one of my guys, i don already arrange im side, im go from there go exile.... See, hapu ogologo bekee; grown men don't kiss and tell (according to Robby Scribbles aka Mayor of Blogsterbridge aka "Let's Go There!!"), but mehn its good to have a good mamacita, mmmh, see congo! By sunday morning i was wondering if this is what it was like to be married.

Ahh... Z's gone shaa, she left monday morning - and i was like 3 hours late for work; #2 came back on tuesday, and evrything is back to its normal blah status. Damn.

See folks, i shoulda posted all this days ago, but i just couldn't summon the effort. Now before y'all start empathizing, let me state categorically: It Is Has Absolutely NOTHING To Do With The Mamacita Gone Home, okay?? Nothing! It just that my whole life is on this swing low parabola, and i'm getting sick and tired of trying to hitch it all up.

I've been owed salaries for two months.

I lent the bulk of my savings to a close family member; i'm yet to get my dough back.

My investment plans have been stalled.

I'm really, really unhappy. I think i'm gonna be away for a while, i think...

I never wanted to mention all this, but i didn't want my silence and absence to be misunderstood. See, i know i'm gonna pull through all these ish; its just the time, the TIME that's paining me - i'm never gonna get back yesterday again.

Oh shit, look at me whining all over blogsville, abeg don't be sad for me o, i'm a survivor!

August Visitor

I want to officially send out a big thank-you kiss to all the fine naija-ninjas who've joined my followers' club over the last four months. Yes, my followes' club - that little black corner wiv pitchers innit, just a little lower down and to the right. Honestly, you guys are a real boost to my already over-blown ego (lol!) and i really really appreciate it.

Ok umm, see eh, actually the kiss is only for the ladies o.... Danny, Scribbles, Jo Philip, Noty, and Sugar-K, abeg make una come this side collect hand-shake, no vex abeg... "Yo, wats'up my dawg... (does complicated hand-shake), thanks for hanging out wiv me, man, you're my homie f'life, f'real!!"

That's done! Oya, all the sexy, sexy mamasitas wey dey my convoy - fabulola, Elusive-B, adaeze, naija shawty, Ms. Dufalicious (mehn, dont you just lurrvvv that name!) and chayoma - here's to y'all: MMMWWWAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Mmmm.... that was one wet kiss. Sigh. Don't you just love kissing the ladies?

Alright, to the business of the day.

I've got a little problem. I'm gonna have an august visitor by weekend and my brother is still around. See, i live in a self-contained room - one big room, one short corridor, a kitchen at the end of it, and a bathroom-cum-toilet attached - the place is really tight and i like to pretend it's actually a "self-contained apartment", but wth am i fooling? Ok, then two weeks ago, my brother (a year younger than i am) came around; he just finished from university, and he's gonna be around for a looooooonnng time. I mean, the guy na correct nwa-guy, i dig his ish, he digs mine, its really fun having him around - plus he cooks!! (Aha, i know Blogville babes will start ask me for his phone #... hehehe)

Now, the wahala there be say my sweet-heart from way back in school, Z, is coming to spend the weekend with me - with my brother in the same room!! Now, i know this gurl; she's like the "straightest" chic i've ever met. This is something she's NEVER done with ANY guy, visiting for the weekend, i mean. Yeah, i can see NBB already smirking at the corner, but hey trust me, i know this gurl, she's THIS uptight. Plus it was her that called and told me she wants to come over. Mehn, i couldn't believe it. I've been waiting to hear her say that for years - i'm not kiding - years!! Of course, in the mean time i just dey collect away matches... bodi no be fire-wood naw.

I played it cool shaa, asked her to repeat what she’d just said… she giggled and repeated that she was thinking of coming down to my place for the wkend. Her voice had a quiver when she said it again, i could almost feel the nervousness tingling down her spine. And i really really REALLY lov..., no, love is too strong; I really REALLY like Z. Sometimes, i think its gonna be her that I will.... mmmmh!

Mehn, I don think am go forward, think am go backward; walahi, bros will have to go on exile o! Its just that he doesn’t have any real friend in P.H yet, and I know he’s not gonna like crashing in my friends’ place. But kai, I can’t have bros sleeping in with me and Z, no way! Abeg blogsville, any ideas?? Bcos me i wan shine the congo this weekend o!

UPDATE: My people, see me as i take miss out one correct mamasita for my chikito convoy: Miss Fab!! Chai, nne oya na you go get the longest and juiciest of... nay, the gentlest and loveliest of all kisses: Mmwwwaaaah!!!

10 Words of Wisdom - Waffi Brand

I got me a collection of Waffi proverbs i culled from NL; thought y'all might enjoy them. BTW, if you are naija-born and you no sabi wetin "waffi" mean, then je-je click Reload. You can continue your journey of discovery from there. :D

Enjoy!

WORDS OF OUR POPSI - Waffi-Saffi Remix

1. Escort me, Escort me, naim slave trade take start.

2. He who laughs last.... na serious mumu. Na now he know wetin dey happen??

3. All work and no play, na banker be that!

4. Birds of the same feather, na the same mama born dem.

5. He who lives in a glass house, na him pepe rest!! :D

6. Na determination dey make okada-rider overtake trailer.

7. Like play like play, naim Ngozi take carry belle.

8. Rat wey dey pass snake-hole take reach him house, no be small work im do.

9. When monkey wear canvas enter town, una go know say im get plan.

10. Mosquito wey perch for brokos, na small-small dem dey carry kill am.

And lastly, my personal favorite: Over-skill na im dey kill Ninja! (lol, Chayoma take note!!)

The Asshole and The Mopol

Can't believe the month is almost half gone.... ah well, blame it on the ahh-ah-ah-ahh-aah-asshole of a job i'm employed at. All around, folks are "Tweeting" and "Facebooking", i'm wondering when the world left me behind. Sure i have a FB account but that was cos ALL my friends are on FB, nwa-guy was beginning to look like an oddity. I guess sooner or later i'm gonna start tweeting as well - Naughty says i should look for him there... if only he knew!

By the way Naughty, thanks for the free Commercial Advertisement! If it didn't sound so gay i'd said i love you man, but it does sound gay, so... teeheeehehe, i don't bend in that direction!

Ok, now for what i came here to say - 2 things actually:

Number 1: My boss must be related to Ebenezer Schrooge, cos he's an ASS-HOLE!!! A very, VERY BIIGGG ASS-HOLLEEEE!!!! Mmmh, that should do. I'll tell y'all what he did sometime soon. Promise.

Number 2: Nigerian policemen are the worst (or very near the worst) in the world. See, its my personal view, ok, i aint gat no data to back all this ish up, but maka Chineke kere umu-Israel those guys are horrible! Especially the mobile policemen - better known as Mopol (or if you prefer, mmofo... and no its not a typo error, it is actually pronounced "Mmofo" - you kinda drag the M).

I know Mopols intimidating ordinary citizens is no news to any home-grown Nigerian, but it never ceases to bring out the barbarian in me whenever i see those bastards violating people's rights. The other day i was coming home from work and one crazy mmofo tried to flog the driver of the bus i was in cos he jumped lanes. Now, get it straight, i am NOT in support of drivers who break traffic rules, aight. But nothing, NOTHING at all gives the traffic warden or cop or mmofo or wharreva they call themselves these days, the right to flog another human being. Nofin!! Meehn, i was freaking pissed! I railed at the crazy Mopol, near got my ass into trouble in the process (lol!), but hey we didn't get this far by backing away from gun-toting maniacs, did we? Sugarbabe 2.0 knows what i mean; dictators remain dictators only because the people don't mind being dictated to. (And yes, that one isn't a typo either - Sugarbabe sounds a huge lot better than Sugarbelly, abi Nice nne don't you think so?).

On a nicer note, i'm going swimming tomorrow. The whole gaddamn day - fcuk the job, about time i gave Mr. Schrooge a piece of me mind anyway.

Ciao!

P.S: I no know say Mopol dey Wikipedia o. Shoo! Mmofo don enter computer, lol! Check for yourself.

Spotlight: The Dark Knight

I re-watched my Dark-Knight dvd three days ago, and mehn i still dey gbadu that film. Such a far cry from "the-young-shall-grow" Spiderman (Spidy fans, una sorry o!) and play-boy Ironman; Christopher Nolan's Batman is the truest representation (as far as i'm concerned) of the modern hero we deserve, and the kind of world he'd find himself saving. Not some dashing knight in shining armor who swoops in and saves the day and everyone cheers and the bad guys hang their heads in shame, no. We all know it never happens like that - at least, not in this crazy world we live.

Now, apart from the super-hero angle of things, The Dark Knight also nudges me to think about the good/evil within all of us. I came across a fine blog on the movie today, and i was really struck by what it had to say. Like the Bible says "all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory, the movie highlights the fact that we all have the in-built capacity to be both angelically good and diabolically evil; the dividing line between the good guy and the bad is simply the choice each one makes. Thus, it is this inherent ability to do both good and evil that the character of the Joker (superbly played by Heath Ledger, R.I.P) capitalizes on, his aim being to prove that EVERYONE is as crazy and homicidal as he is, and would kill - just like him - if placed in the right spot. And that spot being a world completely without rules, hence his favorite question: Why so serious?? :D

My friends and i watched Dark Knight when it first premiered last year, and all i kept hearing from 'em was how terrific Heath Ledger was with his potrayal of the Joker. Granted, the Joker was really tight, but what struck me most was the Batman's ultimate sacrifice - accepting to take the blame for Harvey Dent's actions, so that the past good deeds of Gotham's "White Knight" would not be marred by the later murders committed by his grief-deranged mind. And so, Gotham's avenging angel became its most wanted fugitive, cos he took the fall for another man's actions..... dunnit make you wanna weep?!

On a side note, I actually debated whether to call this post "Why So Serious?"; that's how tight the Joker's lines are. But hey, it aint him the spotlight is on. So scratch that.


P.S: This is NOT a diss post! I love Spidy and i think Ironman is the best thing ever since the Incredible Hulk! Just so you know it, teehehehe.

Evidence of Stress

Hi Blogsville! Howz the week been? Mine was quite eventful, yup, eventful. Let's see: i went to work, then ummm, i went to work some more, and then i went to . . . . work again! Ok, i'm not so good at being sarcastic so i better can it. At least i'm at home today - told my supervisor i had anus-ache (i've complained of all the other aches before - head, stomach, shoulder, waist, feet, eyes, nose, mouth, you name it). Of course there's still one more ache to complain of (teeheehee!); the day i complain of that one, they'll give me 3 months leave with double pay!!

See, there's this thing i always come across in novels, mostly ones with a bit of romance (i don't read plain romance; too simple and unrealistic for me); its about this thing were a guy sees a girl (or vice versa) and he/she somehow forgets what he/she was doing or talking about. I never really agreed with it - at least, not with the way it's usually descibed. Well, it happened to me this morning - i couldn't believe it!

I was out to buy bread for me humble breakfast. Now, there's this place i always buy from, i'm used the little scamp of a kid whose always selling. But this morning there was another chic as well. I actually thought she was buying something - like me - but then she asked what i wanted. I don't know how to explain this, cos i have absolutely no intention of "chyking" her (una know wetin be chyking, abi?), but I was quite intrigued by her brisk efficiency (frankly, that other kid was the personification of sluggish). Ok, so i tell her what i want, and she gets the loaf of bread, packages it in a black polythene and places it in front of me. Meanwhile, my mind is somewhere else wondering if she's related to the owner of the shop, maybe the younger sister or eldest daughter, but she ain't so pretty, well her smartness more than compensates for that, plus she wouldn't be so bad if she smiled more - and for that matter why isn't she smiling? Mmmh, well, guess she's the serious type, way too serious if you ask me ....

I suddenly realize that i'm the only customer left, and the girl is now giving me odd looks. I smile at myself, pay and go away. Now, what da hell was i thinking going off on that crazy mental tangent?

Maybe its stress shaa. I'll probably complain of that critical ache next monday after all.

Arrogant Little Puppy

Maybe it's writer's block, i don't know but i've been meaning to put up something for ages now. Each time i start out, i take this long look at my barren blogpage, and then i go: "Aww meehn, i'll do it later." Well, right now, i'm stuck in the hospital - bad case of malaria - with nothing better to do. So, i'm finally doing it; problem is, it doesn't have much substance.

I think i hate hospitals. I know i never really liked them, but right now i think my dislike has gone up an extra notch. But what i hate most is being ill - being weak and frail and having to bear all those pitying looks from people - like yesterday when i was puking like . . . like, well, i don't know. See, please don't misunderstand me, i know those looks are outward evidence of the compassion that they feel for me... but still, i really detest those looks; it makes me feel like a rain-beaten puppy. Sounds arrogant, yes, but i really don't appreciate feeling like a rain-beaten puppy.

Anyway, the good news is i'll probably be discharged today - right after i collect the blood-test results from whoever it is that is handling it. I was pretty winded when they collected the blood sample yesterday, but i distinctly remember telling the male nurse that i'd like to see the results as soon as possible. Since then, each time i inquire about it, i get something in the line of "oh, that test! Ok, i'll get it as soon as it's out", or "relax, get well first..." and so on. Well, i intend to get that result before i leave. Maybe they're hiding something, a HIV+ result perhaps....

I'm ok now shaa, but i have a bone to pick with my friend M; called him and asked if he could help get me a change of clothes from my house, and this scalawag of a dude said he was in church and can't help. Church my hairy behind!! Your friend is in the hospital, and your excuse for not helping is that you are in church? What do you think God will say when he sees you, pat you on the back and give you a villa in Paradise? God damn.

That's about it, blogsville. Now lemme go and see about that blood-test....