Offshore

I actually wrote this three days ago, but the wireless here's been more erratic than even our own good old PHCN

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Right now, I'm on an offshore oil-rig, the Noble Percy Johns, off Rivers State. Been here six days now and counting. Its terribly boring, there's no drilling going on - we are actually here for a rig move to a new platform. Luckily, the internet conn came up last night, so I've been sitting in front of my system all day, just surfing, surfing...

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There's this white South African dude here, he's the rig safety officer. Mehn, the guy na real chatter-box, as in chatter-box-with-an-attitude. And most of the time, all the fella chatters about is sex. Shuo! How he fcuked one Akwa Ibom chic... how he fcuked two Vietnamese chics... how he prefers 3-somes to 2-somes... how he told his South African gf to suck some dude's ****!! Damn! Triple-crazy-damn!!!
It was when he got to the part where he told his so-called gf to do the BJ that i told him that's pretty twisted. I mean, i'm a free guy, i don't mind how another dude wants to run his life, whatever floats your boat... But this guy wasn't just twisted; he's totally bent, and i sure as hell don't hang with bent guys (except if they're gonna pay me a million dollars - hold on, make that ten million). Got me wondering what South African white women are like...

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Z's playing hide-and-seek with me... on Facebook! Loooool!

Seriously, she is. I don't know why she's pretending to be somebody else - at least, she's definitely not using her name. She's using some phony name that sounds like something out of a sci-fi flick. I found out about a week ago; it was the way she writes - you know what they say about a leopard and its colours - well, NOBODY else in the whole wide world uses abbreviated words like Z does; she has a shortened version of virtually EVERY word in the English vocabulary, plus she never EVER uses a full-stop unless she totally absolutely has to. And then the clincher: her FB profile info is just too familiar to be a coincidence.

I'd asked Z if she was on FB before, but she didn't give me a definite answer. I knew from experience that she doesn't like being pressed for details so i chilled. Then about a month ago i get this friendship request; i almost didn't accept, but then i checked out the profile and saw that the person had schooled in FUTO. I thought whadda hell, you'd have to around the world three times b4 you find the fella who can scope a home-grown naija-ninja like me. So i accepted. I didn't give another thought to it until last week when it suddenly clicked: this is Z!

I know it all sounds too thin to assume so much, but you know... the way you know somebody so well you're dead sure this is them. I just know it.
I'm still keeping mum shaa, its kinda fun, see - no need to disillusion her - unless she's reading this, of course!

All about Oluchi...

I've been thinking about Oluchi. Maybe its cos I've thinking about marriage and all the girls i've known.

Oluchi is the only other girl besides Z that i've ever really admitted to myself that i actually love - or should i say, loved. I met Oluchi during my matric ceremony in FUTO - we were both matriculating, actually. My dad knew her mum - turned out we were from the same villa - so, we were introduced. I didn't see Oluchi again until weeks later when i ran into her at a buka with one of my course-mates, Bola; they were room-mates. Problem was I'd forgotten who she was, so Bola had to re-introduce us again, lol. We chatted for a while about this and that, exchanged room numbers (phone numbers and handsets were still in the future) with Bola playing match-maker in the background.... and that was it.

Oluchi and I weren't exactly close, but we had this... i dunno, special crazy connection - i'd start a sentence and she'd finish it, using the very same words i had in mind - damn, it WAS crazy. My friends knew it, her friends knew; it was all over the two of us. And then....

And then, i asked her to be my girlfriend.

And she said "no".

And i asked "why?"

And she said cos she's engaged.

And i asked to whom.

And she started telling me this dog-bites-chicken story of some dude somewhere far far away.... She was lying - she knew it, i knew it and she knew i knew it - but i was too hurt to pursue the issue. I was too hurt... I'd prepared for days for this, i was so sure, the signs were all there... I was numb with hurt. But hey, life goes on right? So i went away, bearing away my rejected heart - i don't know how to put this, how to explain in words what it felt like. I couldn't think straight for days.

Oluchi was sorry - really, really sorry - giving me the "we-can-still-be-friends" line. Fcuk that, i said; 2nd place is for suckers. But Oluchi persisted - bless her heart - she kept on calling and checking on me until i relented, and we became more or less friends again. Whatever the fcuk that was.

We got close again in final year; that was 4 years later and i was now... well, i wasn't the good boy i used to be anymore. But Oluchi didn't seem to mind, guess she took me just the way i was. She'd just moved off-campus and her house was somehow close to mine - but it wasn't the same any more. Rejection isn't something one forgets easily, plus i now had a string of girlfriends. Ok, maybe not a whole string, but definitely a handful, yep. Oluchi invited me to her place one night. I went. But nothing happened - i liked Oluchi too much for just a one-night stand, but my pride wouldn't let me get back together with her. Plus there was now this girl i really liked a lot. So i went away, and....

And the next day, Oluchi got herself a new boyfriend. Hell's gat no fury as a woman scorned. But there's one question i still can't wrap my head around to this day: Why did Oluchi refuse me when i was her's to keep??

All that is history now shaa. Oluchi is married now; she gave birth late last year. We still call each other, and she still laughs at my jokes. But sometimes, i wonder...

SALVATION!!

More than a week ago, i posted that my life was going into a down-ward spiral; well, guess what? SALVATION!! Hahaha! I've been saved! Okay, i better calm down and talk like a grown-up... tehheeehee!

Ok, here's the jek: I'VE BEEN MOVED TO A NEW UNIT - HYDROSURVEY!! Yeah baby! No more load-outs in the middle of the night or on sunday morning; no more crazy asshole-of-a-trainee-manager hanging on my case (yes o, shebi i promised to tell y'all about him sometime? No worry, jist dey flenty-flenty); eh-ehe, no more 24hrs suit-up in smelly cover-alls and RedWing boots (i kinda miss that one shaa... in a funny sorta way - and i miss my pal Alex); well, no more of all that. Its a whole new unit for moi, and i'm loving it!

Okay, okay, msheeeeww, wasn't i supposed to calm down?

You must be wondering what's so exciting about Hydrosurvey, right? Well, its cos it's in line with my career path - i did geophysics, see - and the unit is into deep-sea bathymetric surveys and offshore rig-move jobs for major E&P's, big-time. So if i shine my eye well-well, this dude could be scooping in offshore out-of-station allowances in no time. Plus my career is back online again; i'm already teaching moiself AutoCAD; get the cert into the bag, move unto another prog, and the sky is the limit. Hahaa, its Salvation baby!!!

See, thing is, i should've been posted to the unit immediately after the Graduate Programme, but issues came up... you know, stupid intra-company naija-mentality ish, plus i don already collect reputation for being a stubborn mule before. But level don pure now.

But dem dey still owe me o!!! lol! Management promises before the week's over shaa; walahi, if dem renege on that, mehn some people so see pepper o.

And to all the bee-yotiful bee-yotiful naija-ninjas who took time to console during my period of agonizing distress (chai, supu oyibo ka mmadu nwuru! lol!) - chybabe, ManC, Ada bekee, Rep_1, Myne Whitman and Solomonsydelle - thanks a lot mehn, y'all are an Army of Angels.

Abeg my people, it's almost 8pm, i wan run go house before security lock me in, i go yarn una the full step-by-step tori as soon as i get my house online conn up again - which is unitl pay enter bank, lol! For now i dey peesh for company systems - who no like awoof? :D

Swing Low...

First things first; thanks to all the nice folks who suggested ways to handle my August visitor and kid bros - miss.fab, fabulola, Ada-bekee, Dark Neo (mehn, that bribe idea really worked!), chybabe, duffie-gurl - thanks a lot. In fact, i should have updated you guys earlier, my bad, i'm really on a bad swing low now...

Well ina nutshell, Z came on friday evening as planned, i picked her up with a taxi-drop (i no get car naw, wetin home-boy go do?); she wanted to meet #2 (my bros), so the sharp guy was still around. We went home; she met #2, and they took to each other like bread and butter - of course my laser beams were on high alert in case bros over-dos it, lol. Ok, we hanged out wiv a coupla my friends; babe doesn't drink, hates the smell of cigarette - in fact i had to drag her out, almost spoiled the fun - #2 went home wiv one of my guys, i don already arrange im side, im go from there go exile.... See, hapu ogologo bekee; grown men don't kiss and tell (according to Robby Scribbles aka Mayor of Blogsterbridge aka "Let's Go There!!"), but mehn its good to have a good mamacita, mmmh, see congo! By sunday morning i was wondering if this is what it was like to be married.

Ahh... Z's gone shaa, she left monday morning - and i was like 3 hours late for work; #2 came back on tuesday, and evrything is back to its normal blah status. Damn.

See folks, i shoulda posted all this days ago, but i just couldn't summon the effort. Now before y'all start empathizing, let me state categorically: It Is Has Absolutely NOTHING To Do With The Mamacita Gone Home, okay?? Nothing! It just that my whole life is on this swing low parabola, and i'm getting sick and tired of trying to hitch it all up.

I've been owed salaries for two months.

I lent the bulk of my savings to a close family member; i'm yet to get my dough back.

My investment plans have been stalled.

I'm really, really unhappy. I think i'm gonna be away for a while, i think...

I never wanted to mention all this, but i didn't want my silence and absence to be misunderstood. See, i know i'm gonna pull through all these ish; its just the time, the TIME that's paining me - i'm never gonna get back yesterday again.

Oh shit, look at me whining all over blogsville, abeg don't be sad for me o, i'm a survivor!

August Visitor

I want to officially send out a big thank-you kiss to all the fine naija-ninjas who've joined my followers' club over the last four months. Yes, my followes' club - that little black corner wiv pitchers innit, just a little lower down and to the right. Honestly, you guys are a real boost to my already over-blown ego (lol!) and i really really appreciate it.

Ok umm, see eh, actually the kiss is only for the ladies o.... Danny, Scribbles, Jo Philip, Noty, and Sugar-K, abeg make una come this side collect hand-shake, no vex abeg... "Yo, wats'up my dawg... (does complicated hand-shake), thanks for hanging out wiv me, man, you're my homie f'life, f'real!!"

That's done! Oya, all the sexy, sexy mamasitas wey dey my convoy - fabulola, Elusive-B, adaeze, naija shawty, Ms. Dufalicious (mehn, dont you just lurrvvv that name!) and chayoma - here's to y'all: MMMWWWAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Mmmm.... that was one wet kiss. Sigh. Don't you just love kissing the ladies?

Alright, to the business of the day.

I've got a little problem. I'm gonna have an august visitor by weekend and my brother is still around. See, i live in a self-contained room - one big room, one short corridor, a kitchen at the end of it, and a bathroom-cum-toilet attached - the place is really tight and i like to pretend it's actually a "self-contained apartment", but wth am i fooling? Ok, then two weeks ago, my brother (a year younger than i am) came around; he just finished from university, and he's gonna be around for a looooooonnng time. I mean, the guy na correct nwa-guy, i dig his ish, he digs mine, its really fun having him around - plus he cooks!! (Aha, i know Blogville babes will start ask me for his phone #... hehehe)

Now, the wahala there be say my sweet-heart from way back in school, Z, is coming to spend the weekend with me - with my brother in the same room!! Now, i know this gurl; she's like the "straightest" chic i've ever met. This is something she's NEVER done with ANY guy, visiting for the weekend, i mean. Yeah, i can see NBB already smirking at the corner, but hey trust me, i know this gurl, she's THIS uptight. Plus it was her that called and told me she wants to come over. Mehn, i couldn't believe it. I've been waiting to hear her say that for years - i'm not kiding - years!! Of course, in the mean time i just dey collect away matches... bodi no be fire-wood naw.

I played it cool shaa, asked her to repeat what she’d just said… she giggled and repeated that she was thinking of coming down to my place for the wkend. Her voice had a quiver when she said it again, i could almost feel the nervousness tingling down her spine. And i really really REALLY lov..., no, love is too strong; I really REALLY like Z. Sometimes, i think its gonna be her that I will.... mmmmh!

Mehn, I don think am go forward, think am go backward; walahi, bros will have to go on exile o! Its just that he doesn’t have any real friend in P.H yet, and I know he’s not gonna like crashing in my friends’ place. But kai, I can’t have bros sleeping in with me and Z, no way! Abeg blogsville, any ideas?? Bcos me i wan shine the congo this weekend o!

UPDATE: My people, see me as i take miss out one correct mamasita for my chikito convoy: Miss Fab!! Chai, nne oya na you go get the longest and juiciest of... nay, the gentlest and loveliest of all kisses: Mmwwwaaaah!!!

10 Words of Wisdom - Waffi Brand

I got me a collection of Waffi proverbs i culled from NL; thought y'all might enjoy them. BTW, if you are naija-born and you no sabi wetin "waffi" mean, then je-je click Reload. You can continue your journey of discovery from there. :D

Enjoy!

WORDS OF OUR POPSI - Waffi-Saffi Remix

1. Escort me, Escort me, naim slave trade take start.

2. He who laughs last.... na serious mumu. Na now he know wetin dey happen??

3. All work and no play, na banker be that!

4. Birds of the same feather, na the same mama born dem.

5. He who lives in a glass house, na him pepe rest!! :D

6. Na determination dey make okada-rider overtake trailer.

7. Like play like play, naim Ngozi take carry belle.

8. Rat wey dey pass snake-hole take reach him house, no be small work im do.

9. When monkey wear canvas enter town, una go know say im get plan.

10. Mosquito wey perch for brokos, na small-small dem dey carry kill am.

And lastly, my personal favorite: Over-skill na im dey kill Ninja! (lol, Chayoma take note!!)

The Asshole and The Mopol

Can't believe the month is almost half gone.... ah well, blame it on the ahh-ah-ah-ahh-aah-asshole of a job i'm employed at. All around, folks are "Tweeting" and "Facebooking", i'm wondering when the world left me behind. Sure i have a FB account but that was cos ALL my friends are on FB, nwa-guy was beginning to look like an oddity. I guess sooner or later i'm gonna start tweeting as well - Naughty says i should look for him there... if only he knew!

By the way Naughty, thanks for the free Commercial Advertisement! If it didn't sound so gay i'd said i love you man, but it does sound gay, so... teeheeehehe, i don't bend in that direction!

Ok, now for what i came here to say - 2 things actually:

Number 1: My boss must be related to Ebenezer Schrooge, cos he's an ASS-HOLE!!! A very, VERY BIIGGG ASS-HOLLEEEE!!!! Mmmh, that should do. I'll tell y'all what he did sometime soon. Promise.

Number 2: Nigerian policemen are the worst (or very near the worst) in the world. See, its my personal view, ok, i aint gat no data to back all this ish up, but maka Chineke kere umu-Israel those guys are horrible! Especially the mobile policemen - better known as Mopol (or if you prefer, mmofo... and no its not a typo error, it is actually pronounced "Mmofo" - you kinda drag the M).

I know Mopols intimidating ordinary citizens is no news to any home-grown Nigerian, but it never ceases to bring out the barbarian in me whenever i see those bastards violating people's rights. The other day i was coming home from work and one crazy mmofo tried to flog the driver of the bus i was in cos he jumped lanes. Now, get it straight, i am NOT in support of drivers who break traffic rules, aight. But nothing, NOTHING at all gives the traffic warden or cop or mmofo or wharreva they call themselves these days, the right to flog another human being. Nofin!! Meehn, i was freaking pissed! I railed at the crazy Mopol, near got my ass into trouble in the process (lol!), but hey we didn't get this far by backing away from gun-toting maniacs, did we? Sugarbabe 2.0 knows what i mean; dictators remain dictators only because the people don't mind being dictated to. (And yes, that one isn't a typo either - Sugarbabe sounds a huge lot better than Sugarbelly, abi Nice nne don't you think so?).

On a nicer note, i'm going swimming tomorrow. The whole gaddamn day - fcuk the job, about time i gave Mr. Schrooge a piece of me mind anyway.

Ciao!

P.S: I no know say Mopol dey Wikipedia o. Shoo! Mmofo don enter computer, lol! Check for yourself.