Round One: FIGHT!!!

This fully AWESOME!!!

THE WAY I ARE

To all the NIGERIAN girlfriends i’ve dated in my life, and to the ones I’m still gonna date in future:

1. My pay-check bears only my name; stop asking me how much it has on it.

2. Either call me or don’t; “flashing” is no longer acceptable. It is silly, childish, clogs up the network, and seriously reduces my battery life.

2(b). A relationship is a two-way thing; it saddens me that I do all the calling (and texting and "facebooking", too).

2(c). When I call you today, don’t ask me why I didn’t call yesterday; honestly, I can’t even begin to explain how annoying that is.

3. Until you start paying the cab guy, picking up our dinner tab, paying for our movie tickets, recharging my phone every week, adding me to your monthly budget  – in fact, until you start doing (at least) half of what I’m doing for you, don’t even talk to me about equality. I don't like to discuss it, but honestly, money talks louder where i come from.

4. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, shebi? So how come you can have texts on phone that begin “Hello swt hrt…”, and I can’t?

5. I can actually cook for myself. I just thought I should remind you.

6. I’m sure Sigmund Freud said somewhere that women enjoy sex as much as men do, so pray tell, is it just me or is something really wrong with you?

7. For chrissakes, watch some foreign movies – I’m tired of hearing about Osuofia and Aki and Paw-paw!

8. I will never raise my hand against you, I swear it – but you’d better never raise yours neither. Babe, this is Nigeria; around here it’s only in home movies that women slap men and get away with it.

9. And lastly, I’m your boyfriend, not your father – and we ain’t married yet, neither. So you should understand when I wish you’d stop asking me for money to make your hair (or a million other things you keep cooking up). I actually know when to do treats for you, so please stop asking me for them yourself! It spoils the whole romantic kiniko. Msshewwww!

Now, if all these make me a bad boyfriend, or  a “scrub”, or “unromantic”, or whatever name it is dubbed these days, then sorry – that’s just the way I are.

Love like the morning dew...

 '
This song is speaking to my heart... love is such a beautiful thing.

(**sobs n sniffles!)

Shola, yours is the best definition of that word!




Updated: Shola Allyson - Eji Owuro (English and French subtitled)

Half-A-Century Later...

"Nigeria is 50 years old."

It's 12:08pm, October 1st, Nigeria's Independence Day. I'm sitting at my laptop, typing out this blogpost and ignoring my t.v. In contrast to me is Enyimba; his eyes are glued to the darned silver screen, watching the independence anniversary celebrations. Oh yes, the one they spent 9.5 billion naira on... But i don't wanna talk about all that now - I don't wanna start comparing countries, or pointing fingers at bribe-fattened politicians, or ranting about corrupt trigger-happy policemen... No, all i want is to write something nice and optimistic about my country. But i keep getting this image of Mazi GEJ shaking his oblong head, smiling inwardly at the same time, and gingerly signing off N9.5bn that could've been better utilized somewhere else.

Oh, fuck it.

Enyimba's muttering something about the commentary being in french, "Nigeria's an anglophone country....!" I wish he'd stop; he's just increasing the room temperature and i don't have a frigging a.c.

So Naija is fifty. Great, now we've gone from "Fools at 40" to "Juvenile Delinquents at 50"; quaint and illogical, i know, but what better term suits us?

Enyimba is now peeping over my shoulder, and demanding to know whaddaheck his name is doing on my post; silly idiot, he doesn't know what honor i'm doing him, lol....


Happy Independence to Naija! We've already wasted half-a-century; let's hope and pray we don't totally blow the remaining half.

I'm Drooling All Over This...

Hey guys.

Don't worry about the title, i'll tell y'all what i'm drooling over later, make i just first mis-yarn small. And while we're at it, may i categorically say it now that this post is probably not gonna make much sense. As in, it doesn't have any thread whatsoever about it. So if you are tempted to break your laptop and strangle Blogger to death after reading it, well, umm, just go ahead.
..........................................

It's been a while since i posted last. I dont know why. And i'm too tired to bother. Maybe i'm losing my mojo.
 ...........................................

I'm going to buy a car before this year is out. I'm tired of begging people for rides - tired of having to wait for the rain to abate a little so i can go out and look for a cab (yes, abate a little because i have SWORN never to own an umbrella!) - tired of waiting for hours at the roadside waiting for a cab - tired of getting tired of waiting for a cab and walking off in frustration only to have the said cabs drive by and splash muddy water on me. I'm tired! But na tokumbo i go buy o, i never get 2.5m to invest in "tear-rubber" now, abeg.
Oh, and by the way, i'm still learning to drive. Yes, yes, i know it sucks major, almost as bad as* never having had an orgasm and having painful hemorrhoids. But its my dad's fault, really. See, we only ever had one car - a 1983 505 Peugout, the love of my dad's life. And he swore never to let any other person drive it (besides my mum, of course). How me and #2 pleaded and begged, Daddy, please now, only us can't drive yet in this street, all our friends can drive and they're laughing at us... For where, whosai! My dad said when i grow up, i should buy my own car and learn with it. So here i am, 26 years old, and still yet to take off the L-plates - i never even put the yeye plate sef, talk more of removing it. Mssheew.
The old dude still drives the darned 505, by the way, the Shylock! (I lurv my daddy o, lol!!)

...........................................

I'm sitting the office right now, waiting for a babe who's visiting me from Lagos to arrive (the weekend is starting tomorrow, thursday n friday are public holidays). She's coming by road. I'm still waiting... and dreaming of all the beer i'd have drank by now.

...........................................

People, guess what? Satzenbrau is back in town!! Oh yes, the good old Skirt and Blouse - or as my Onitsha bros dem dey called it in the days, "Saacham-Brain" ("Wash-my-Brain"). And guess what else? IT COST ONLY 100 BUCKS!!! (about 67 cents). Mehn, me and my guys have been drinking like crazy!!! Shoo, no be small tin o. I don't know how much a bottle of lager beer costs in America or Europe, but here in Naija the average is N200 (we call it "Pump Price"); Gulder, Star, Heineken, etc; same for Guinness stout and medium. Guinness Extra Smooth and Guinness large are N350. Now, with all these in mind, imagine getting a bottle of beer for half the normal pump price! And as if the price wasn't incentive enough, the beer itself is the SMOOTHEST i've ever tasted, honestly. I tell my friends, this beer is fine, divine, and simply sublime!! Hahahaa, just like kissing a girl, babe!
It was so funny yesterday. Usually, on a good friday night, we blow like 5k on beer alone; other nights, like mid-week wednesday (we call it "Mid-week Service"), we do like 2k or 3k. So yesterday, after we'd done like 3 bottles apiece - that's usually our ceiling on a Mid-week Service - we looked around, counted the bottles and did the arithmetic. It came up to approximately one thousand bucks... ONLY ONE THOUSAND NAIRA??!! Are u freaking kidding me?! Mehn, we just yelled for joy and screamed at the bar girl to bring more! LWKMD!!

...........................................

Ah-haa, i almost forgot. About this title sef, thing is i couldn't think of anything to call this post, so i just typed in the last comment i'd made on Isha's blog. Cool, huh?  Here's what i was drooling about; read it and see if you don't drool, too.

(* edited)

Mid-Month Randoms

Its 1:25pm; i'm in the office and my boss just gave me a lecture on appreciating God in my life. I think he's full of shit. A week ago he gave our assistant unit manager a two-weeks suspension without pay because the man didn't pick his phone quickly enough - it was during the weekend, too. Of course everybody knows he just doesn't like the man, he's been beefing the man for like weeks now; the phone thing was just an excuse to swing around his weight. Blasted hypocrite, onye-oma Emeka.

I had a fight - and i mean a fight, like fisticuffs - with one of my friends last friday. Then we met up again at a bar and drank over it. But i'm still pissed off whenever i remember it. What happened was we were all sitting together in the office - me, him, and two other guys (lets call'em N, M, and O) - we are all real friends, plus we all work at the same place. Ok, so it was after work hours, and we are relaxing, waiting for N and O's babes to show up. Then its time to go, and N says he's looking for his dvd, says he believes i have it, and demands to search my laptop bag. I refuse. He insists and drags my bag; bag goes southways. He scatters my stuff and walks away. I'm stunned; i walk back to him and asks him wtf was that. He says its what it is, and wtf am i gonna do about it? I'm staring, like stupid stunned - and i didn't even have the frigging dvd. Then he delivers the bombshell: kay, u can't do shit about it. Says it repeatedly to my face.

Jesus wept.

Anyway, long story short, i go outside and wait for him. He comes out, and i give him a resounding right hook he's gonna remember for a long time. Oh, i forgot to mention, he's like two heads taller than i am, and almost twice as big. But you know the thing about righteous fury; it makes you invincible. It didn't last long tho, we got separated pretty quick. M was really angry with us both, said we were embarrassing him fighting like little secondary school boys. O says we are delaying his beer, and God help us if his babe gets tired of waiting and goes back home. N came over later at the bar, acting all nice, offering to light my cigarette each time i pulled one out. So everybody drank himself into a stupor and forgot everything.

But mehn, i still get angry remembering it; how can u eff-up so bad on somebody and still have the nerve to tell him something like that - YOU CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT.

My coy is owing salaries again, and by God i need dough right now more than CBN.

I didn't go to the rig afterall; someone else was sent. Tough shit.

I Confess To Almighty God...

Hi Blogsville, guess what? Today is my birthday. I don't have anything cool or super-tight to blog about, just a simple post. A simple birthday post. A simple birthday post confession.

I've been partying since thursday; me and my friends now have permanent seat reservations at Daniel's (its a club in GRA, P.H). By saturday evening i was knocked-out, and then i made a sudden realization - its all been a fcuking waste of time. I went to church on sunday and felt better.

I know i should have said this a long time ago, but i just couldn't; i didn't know how to say it, i guess i was just ashamed of myself.

Z and i aren't together anymore - its been like three months now. And if you're wondering, yes, that's what i meant by Changing the Lock.

Ada-bekee and Rep1 are wondering if i'm crazy or something; my dearies, i'm not crazy, i'm just not the right guy for Z. I thought deep and hard and realized that the real reason i loved Z was because she loved me first, and loved me so hard; a one-sided love like that won't survive stormy weathers - and i didn't want to wait till the weather got stormy. I hurt Z too much, and she just kept coming back; it was wrong. It is wrong. So i made her break up with me. Gentle Z finally got furious with me, and left my world of hurt. It hurt her a lot more, but i like to tell myself i was saving her an even bigger heart-break. I hope she'll learn to forget me. And i hope she forgives me for not being man enough to say it to her face.

I know i'm sounding like a monster here - what with all my post on what makes or mares a relationship - maybe i am a monster.

NuttyJ, i'm sorry i couldn't learn from your example. Sometimes i wonder about it all, and i wonder if i've squandered my one chance at a happy lovley married life.

I got a lot of messages on FB and on my fone today. I also got one from Z, part of which reads: We meet to melt hearts & be felt; i'm glad i met u cos u melted my heart & i felt you in a way i wouldn't any other. happy birthday, baby! Z wishes u da best :-)

I'm going to the rig tomorrow. And i feel hollow.

I'd fcuked up once and she took me back. Now i've fcuked up again. Its only right that i should be man enough to live with my mistake... but then, was it really a mistake?

Shit.

Happy birthday to me.