To all the NIGERIAN girlfriends i’ve dated in my life, and to the ones I’m still gonna date in future:
1. My pay-check bears only my name; stop asking me how much it has on it.
2. Either call me or don’t; “flashing” is no longer acceptable. It is silly, childish, clogs up the network, and seriously reduces my battery life.
2(b). A relationship is a two-way thing; it saddens me that I do all the calling (and texting and "facebooking", too).
2(c). When I call you today, don’t ask me why I didn’t call yesterday; honestly, I can’t even begin to explain how annoying that is.
3. Until you start paying the cab guy, picking up our dinner tab, paying for our movie tickets, recharging my phone every week, adding me to your monthly budget – in fact, until you start doing (at least) half of what I’m doing for you, don’t even talk to me about equality. I don't like to discuss it, but honestly, money talks louder where i come from.
4. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, shebi? So how come you can have texts on phone that begin “Hello swt hrt…”, and I can’t?
5. I can actually cook for myself. I just thought I should remind you.
6. I’m sure Sigmund Freud said somewhere that women enjoy sex as much as men do, so pray tell, is it just me or is something really wrong with you?
7. For chrissakes, watch some foreign movies – I’m tired of hearing about Osuofia and Aki and Paw-paw!
8. I will never raise my hand against you, I swear it – but you’d better never raise yours neither. Babe, this is Nigeria; around here it’s only in home movies that women slap men and get away with it.
9. And lastly, I’m your boyfriend, not your father – and we ain’t married yet, neither. So you should understand when I wish you’d stop asking me for money to make your hair (or a million other things you keep cooking up). I actually know when to do treats for you, so please stop asking me for them yourself! It spoils the whole romantic kiniko. Msshewwww!
Now, if all these make me a bad boyfriend, or a “scrub”, or “unromantic”, or whatever name it is dubbed these days, then sorry – that’s just the way I are.
It's 12:08pm, October 1st, Nigeria's Independence Day. I'm sitting at my laptop, typing out this blogpost and ignoring my t.v. In contrast to me is Enyimba; his eyes are glued to the darned silver screen, watching the independence anniversary celebrations. Oh yes, the one they spent 9.5 billion naira on... But i don't wanna talk about all that now - I don't wanna start comparing countries, or pointing fingers at bribe-fattened politicians, or ranting about corrupt trigger-happy policemen... No, all i want is to write something nice and optimistic about my country. But i keep getting this image of Mazi GEJ shaking his oblong head, smiling inwardly at the same time, and gingerly signing off N9.5bn that could've been better utilized somewhere else.
Oh, fuck it.
Enyimba's muttering something about the commentary being in french, "Nigeria's an anglophone country....!" I wish he'd stop; he's just increasing the room temperature and i don't have a frigging a.c.
So Naija is fifty. Great, now we've gone from "Fools at 40" to "Juvenile Delinquents at 50"; quaint and illogical, i know, but what better term suits us?
Enyimba is now peeping over my shoulder, and demanding to know whaddaheck his name is doing on my post; silly idiot, he doesn't know what honor i'm doing him, lol....
Happy Independence to Naija! We've already wasted half-a-century; let's hope and pray we don't totally blow the remaining half.