Showing posts with label congo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label congo. Show all posts

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

I'm Drooling All Over This...

Hey guys.

Don't worry about the title, i'll tell y'all what i'm drooling over later, make i just first mis-yarn small. And while we're at it, may i categorically say it now that this post is probably not gonna make much sense. As in, it doesn't have any thread whatsoever about it. So if you are tempted to break your laptop and strangle Blogger to death after reading it, well, umm, just go ahead.
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It's been a while since i posted last. I dont know why. And i'm too tired to bother. Maybe i'm losing my mojo.
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I'm going to buy a car before this year is out. I'm tired of begging people for rides - tired of having to wait for the rain to abate a little so i can go out and look for a cab (yes, abate a little because i have SWORN never to own an umbrella!) - tired of waiting for hours at the roadside waiting for a cab - tired of getting tired of waiting for a cab and walking off in frustration only to have the said cabs drive by and splash muddy water on me. I'm tired! But na tokumbo i go buy o, i never get 2.5m to invest in "tear-rubber" now, abeg.
Oh, and by the way, i'm still learning to drive. Yes, yes, i know it sucks major, almost as bad as* never having had an orgasm and having painful hemorrhoids. But its my dad's fault, really. See, we only ever had one car - a 1983 505 Peugout, the love of my dad's life. And he swore never to let any other person drive it (besides my mum, of course). How me and #2 pleaded and begged, Daddy, please now, only us can't drive yet in this street, all our friends can drive and they're laughing at us... For where, whosai! My dad said when i grow up, i should buy my own car and learn with it. So here i am, 26 years old, and still yet to take off the L-plates - i never even put the yeye plate sef, talk more of removing it. Mssheew.
The old dude still drives the darned 505, by the way, the Shylock! (I lurv my daddy o, lol!!)

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I'm sitting the office right now, waiting for a babe who's visiting me from Lagos to arrive (the weekend is starting tomorrow, thursday n friday are public holidays). She's coming by road. I'm still waiting... and dreaming of all the beer i'd have drank by now.

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People, guess what? Satzenbrau is back in town!! Oh yes, the good old Skirt and Blouse - or as my Onitsha bros dem dey called it in the days, "Saacham-Brain" ("Wash-my-Brain"). And guess what else? IT COST ONLY 100 BUCKS!!! (about 67 cents). Mehn, me and my guys have been drinking like crazy!!! Shoo, no be small tin o. I don't know how much a bottle of lager beer costs in America or Europe, but here in Naija the average is N200 (we call it "Pump Price"); Gulder, Star, Heineken, etc; same for Guinness stout and medium. Guinness Extra Smooth and Guinness large are N350. Now, with all these in mind, imagine getting a bottle of beer for half the normal pump price! And as if the price wasn't incentive enough, the beer itself is the SMOOTHEST i've ever tasted, honestly. I tell my friends, this beer is fine, divine, and simply sublime!! Hahahaa, just like kissing a girl, babe!
It was so funny yesterday. Usually, on a good friday night, we blow like 5k on beer alone; other nights, like mid-week wednesday (we call it "Mid-week Service"), we do like 2k or 3k. So yesterday, after we'd done like 3 bottles apiece - that's usually our ceiling on a Mid-week Service - we looked around, counted the bottles and did the arithmetic. It came up to approximately one thousand bucks... ONLY ONE THOUSAND NAIRA??!! Are u freaking kidding me?! Mehn, we just yelled for joy and screamed at the bar girl to bring more! LWKMD!!

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Ah-haa, i almost forgot. About this title sef, thing is i couldn't think of anything to call this post, so i just typed in the last comment i'd made on Isha's blog. Cool, huh?  Here's what i was drooling about; read it and see if you don't drool, too.

(* edited)

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Scope 101

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Picks phone. "Hello?
“Hello, please call me back. Please, please, pleeeez!” Click!
Deep sigh. Girls! Punching numbers… Ring-!
“Hi! How’re you doing?”
“I’m ok, you?”
“I’m good, good, just… I was a little…”
“A little what? Ill?
“Yeah, I had a bit of fever. I was very down.”
“Ee-yah. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”
“Well, that’s cos you never call – you never call me unless I call you first.”
“But – but -”
“You boys are like that – you are all like that. (Whining now) You never call me, never…”
“But – but -”
“But what?”
“But I called you just yesterday!”
“Yes, you did – because I flashed you first!”
Chuckling. “Baby… baby, why are you on my case like this? Relax! Don’t you know that you are my one and only?”
“Mmmh? Really?”
“Of course! The mere thought of you makes my heart skip.”
Giggling girlishly. “It’s a lie. You are just saying all that to make me feel good…”
“No, I’m not – you know I’m not.”
Sigh. “Honey…”
Smiling. “Yes…”
“Umm, I need – I need a small favor from you.”
“Favor…”
“Yes dear. Please, it’s just a small something…”
“Something…”
“Umm yeah. I just – I just need a little money for my weekend shopping, something like fifteen thousand naira…”
“What??”
“Honey, I said I need fifteen thousand naira, you know, just for weekend stuff and…”
“Fifteen k? For shopping?”
“Yes now… Honey it’s not much, I know you can handle it.”
“Mmmh. Fifteen thousand. Fifteeeeeeeen thousand…”
“Yes. Please don’t say no…”
“Alright.”
“Oh thanks, dear! That’s why you are my honey-pie!”
“Umm, I’ll make a couple of calls, see how it goes. You’ll be free tomorrow, right?”
“Babe, I don’t know…”
“C’mon, give a home-boy some quality time, eh…” (makes silly funny noices)
Giggling again. “Oooo-kay, but honey, don’t disappoint me o. You still have my account number abi?”
“Of course. Hey, you can relax, you know I don’t eff-up. I’ll call you, ‘k?”
“Alright. Kiss-kiss!”
“Bye.”

***
Click!

Turns to roomie and grins triumphantly.
“You get am? ‘Im gree?” asks roomie.
“Yes now! You no trust me? I scope am full time! (laughs heartily)
“Correct babe, abeg collect five jare!”
“Cool fifteen k for account tomorrow, heeheehee! Mmmh, oya abeg find another mugu numba make we flash am…”

***
Click!

Turn to pal and grins from ear to ear. “O’boy see dis mumu girl, for her mind she don knack jack-pot!”
“Na dat Ekaete babe? Na she dey ask for fifteen k?”
“Yes o! (laughs)
“Shebi na you get CBN now!”
“No be only CBN, even World Bank! Make she show tomorrow make I collect kpetus first; that fifteen k don enter serious voice mail…”



Now, who's really "scoping" who?

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

August Visitor

I want to officially send out a big thank-you kiss to all the fine naija-ninjas who've joined my followers' club over the last four months. Yes, my followes' club - that little black corner wiv pitchers innit, just a little lower down and to the right. Honestly, you guys are a real boost to my already over-blown ego (lol!) and i really really appreciate it.

Ok umm, see eh, actually the kiss is only for the ladies o.... Danny, Scribbles, Jo Philip, Noty, and Sugar-K, abeg make una come this side collect hand-shake, no vex abeg... "Yo, wats'up my dawg... (does complicated hand-shake), thanks for hanging out wiv me, man, you're my homie f'life, f'real!!"

That's done! Oya, all the sexy, sexy mamasitas wey dey my convoy - fabulola, Elusive-B, adaeze, naija shawty, Ms. Dufalicious (mehn, dont you just lurrvvv that name!) and chayoma - here's to y'all: MMMWWWAAAAAAAAHH!!!!

Mmmm.... that was one wet kiss. Sigh. Don't you just love kissing the ladies?

Alright, to the business of the day.

I've got a little problem. I'm gonna have an august visitor by weekend and my brother is still around. See, i live in a self-contained room - one big room, one short corridor, a kitchen at the end of it, and a bathroom-cum-toilet attached - the place is really tight and i like to pretend it's actually a "self-contained apartment", but wth am i fooling? Ok, then two weeks ago, my brother (a year younger than i am) came around; he just finished from university, and he's gonna be around for a looooooonnng time. I mean, the guy na correct nwa-guy, i dig his ish, he digs mine, its really fun having him around - plus he cooks!! (Aha, i know Blogville babes will start ask me for his phone #... hehehe)

Now, the wahala there be say my sweet-heart from way back in school, Z, is coming to spend the weekend with me - with my brother in the same room!! Now, i know this gurl; she's like the "straightest" chic i've ever met. This is something she's NEVER done with ANY guy, visiting for the weekend, i mean. Yeah, i can see NBB already smirking at the corner, but hey trust me, i know this gurl, she's THIS uptight. Plus it was her that called and told me she wants to come over. Mehn, i couldn't believe it. I've been waiting to hear her say that for years - i'm not kiding - years!! Of course, in the mean time i just dey collect away matches... bodi no be fire-wood naw.

I played it cool shaa, asked her to repeat what she’d just said… she giggled and repeated that she was thinking of coming down to my place for the wkend. Her voice had a quiver when she said it again, i could almost feel the nervousness tingling down her spine. And i really really REALLY lov..., no, love is too strong; I really REALLY like Z. Sometimes, i think its gonna be her that I will.... mmmmh!

Mehn, I don think am go forward, think am go backward; walahi, bros will have to go on exile o! Its just that he doesn’t have any real friend in P.H yet, and I know he’s not gonna like crashing in my friends’ place. But kai, I can’t have bros sleeping in with me and Z, no way! Abeg blogsville, any ideas?? Bcos me i wan shine the congo this weekend o!

UPDATE: My people, see me as i take miss out one correct mamasita for my chikito convoy: Miss Fab!! Chai, nne oya na you go get the longest and juiciest of... nay, the gentlest and loveliest of all kisses: Mmwwwaaaah!!!