I Confess To Almighty God...

Hi Blogsville, guess what? Today is my birthday. I don't have anything cool or super-tight to blog about, just a simple post. A simple birthday post. A simple birthday post confession.

I've been partying since thursday; me and my friends now have permanent seat reservations at Daniel's (its a club in GRA, P.H). By saturday evening i was knocked-out, and then i made a sudden realization - its all been a fcuking waste of time. I went to church on sunday and felt better.

I know i should have said this a long time ago, but i just couldn't; i didn't know how to say it, i guess i was just ashamed of myself.

Z and i aren't together anymore - its been like three months now. And if you're wondering, yes, that's what i meant by Changing the Lock.

Ada-bekee and Rep1 are wondering if i'm crazy or something; my dearies, i'm not crazy, i'm just not the right guy for Z. I thought deep and hard and realized that the real reason i loved Z was because she loved me first, and loved me so hard; a one-sided love like that won't survive stormy weathers - and i didn't want to wait till the weather got stormy. I hurt Z too much, and she just kept coming back; it was wrong. It is wrong. So i made her break up with me. Gentle Z finally got furious with me, and left my world of hurt. It hurt her a lot more, but i like to tell myself i was saving her an even bigger heart-break. I hope she'll learn to forget me. And i hope she forgives me for not being man enough to say it to her face.

I know i'm sounding like a monster here - what with all my post on what makes or mares a relationship - maybe i am a monster.

NuttyJ, i'm sorry i couldn't learn from your example. Sometimes i wonder about it all, and i wonder if i've squandered my one chance at a happy lovley married life.

I got a lot of messages on FB and on my fone today. I also got one from Z, part of which reads: We meet to melt hearts & be felt; i'm glad i met u cos u melted my heart & i felt you in a way i wouldn't any other. happy birthday, baby! Z wishes u da best :-)

I'm going to the rig tomorrow. And i feel hollow.

I'd fcuked up once and she took me back. Now i've fcuked up again. Its only right that i should be man enough to live with my mistake... but then, was it really a mistake?

Shit.

Happy birthday to me.

Changing The Lock

Do you know what it feels like 

   Loving someone 

   That’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like 

   To be the last one to know
   The lock on the door has changed.

                                            - Enrique Iglesias (Do You Know)

Imagine you having to change the lock...

See, it's not her; it's you - and you know it. But how do u explain it all to her without breaking her heart in the process? Cos the honest truth is the spark is gone - where to, you dont know. You are just not into her anymore.

Little insignificant things she does piss you off - things that never used to bother you. Suddenly her dress style isn't appropiate anymore; the topics that interest her sound like trash to you - and you aren't even married yet! You try to act ok, try to carry along, to salvage what you started  - cos instead of love, you are now driven by your sense of duty. But you know she hates dishonesty and its gonna be worse when she finds out.

What makes it so bad is that you had such wonderful times together, such lovely memories... How did you get to this? Or didn't you see all these things before when she was still your Morning Sunshine? And to think she didn't want at first; it was you that went after her - and got her - and now you are dumping her.

Here you are, listening to Enrique's Do You Know, and wondering: "How do i tell her the lock on the door has changed?"

All About Z

Z is my girlfriend, and i love her. But i love her in my own special way, and she loves me in her own way too. Sometimes i think its fate, i dunno, you can tell me what you think. But please don't judge me too harshly when you read this; i am who i am, and i ain't about to change that.

I met Z in my final year; she was in her second year then. I'd gone to visit a friend (a girl); the babe wasn't around, so i ended up with the roommate - Z. We got talking about this and that, yaddy-yaddy-yak, and that was it. I visited again a couple more times and then invited her to my place - my "crib", as i used to call it. She said she wasn't promising anything, i'd kinda figured out she wasn't the visiting type by then; I said i wasn't the normal type of guy either, and that meant she was gonna visit me whether she wanted or not. She laughed it off and i left it at that. I can't remember how many days later when Z showed up at my door; i was kinda stunned cos i didn't think she was gonna be that easy to lure to my "slaughter house" (say thankya, lol). I think i prepared indomie for her, we talked some more while i mentally plan my attack formation. Styl+ was playing on my Aiwa deck when i stood up and asked her to dance with me. She suddenly went shy, said she doesn't dance. I pulled her to her feet all the same and we began the slow-rock. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday: Styl+'s Run Away had just cued in when i untangled my right hand from her left, tipped her chin up to meet my eyes, and then i kissed her on the lips. It was hot, soft and tender. Z flushed like crazy, her face was so hot i thought it would burst into flames; i couldn't resist laughing, and of course she flushed even more, hiding her face in my chest. Something told me right there and then that this girl has got it bad for me.

But that wasn't the moment i fell in love with Z.

Nothing much else happened that day; Z was just a year younger than i was, but i was way more experienced and it didn't feel right exploiting that advantage. We got off to a shaky start. You know that phrase, "fall hopelessly in love"? I think that's what happened to Z; unfortunately, i was just in for the fun. I didn't hide the fact that there were one or two other girls, and Z acted like she didn't really mind, but i'm sure she was just pretending. And then something crazy happened: I started loving Z back. I couldn't get her out of my thoughts - half way through lecture, i'd get this flash of her in my head, zam! i'd forget everything the lecturer was saying, just sitting there smiling like an idiot. It was weird. We had some really lovely memorable times together...

And then i finished school.

Z was a tough girl, still is too, but the pain of losing me was too heavy for her. The day i told her we had to let it go, that it was good while it lasted but this is it, all that stupid "it's not you, it's me" shit, well, Z went to pieces. But God, she covered well! She cried a little - i think she'd seen it coming a mile away - tried telling we could still be together even if we were physically apart... But i wanted to fly, fly, fly away! I didn't want any emotional attachment whatsoever - say thankya and much obliged! - just to feel my freestyle, baby!

So i said no. Z begged me to stay with her, and i said no.

Later, Z called me, said it was ok, that she understands and that we can still be friends. I tried kick against this new "friendship" thing but my guilt got the better of me, so it just sort of limped along. After a while it was me doing the calling; i even visited a coupla times, but it always left me with a 3-days hangover. Then Z started acting cold and distant; took me a while to catch up with this new and improved Z. I think this was the period she tried to purge herself of me; she doesn't like to talk about it now. Meanwhile, i was begining to feel the growing hole in my heart...

Ok, fast-forward to 3 years later, late July last year to be exact. I'm now working with an energy-servicing company, Z's in her final year; we're still more or less friends, but we've learnt our boundaries; she sometimes tells me her worries, i sometimes tell her mine; we kid and we joke, and then we pretend we just didn't - say thankya and Jah bless, but nwanne whatafuckedup arrangement it was! And then along comes the day when my depression hits a whole new all-time low. I've always prided myself on being able to live and survive alone, you know, the whole Lone Ranger thing - but meehn, this time i just knew i NEEDED company - real, caring company - someone who actually wanted me around. And i was stuck - my two real friends, Kachez and Obiora, were now working in Lasgidi and Ibadan respectively; my "homies" back here in P.H were just that - homies, "hanging-out" buddies in simple English. And i DID NOT WANT TO GO HOME - never will it be said that kay9 went home crying to mummy.

So i went to the only place i could think off: to Z.

I called Z and told her i was coming to her place in Owerri; she thought for a while and said ok. I told her i was really feeling "unhappy" and that the real reason i was coming was cos i needed company... that i might stay over; she thought for a while again and said ok. I sighed with relief; i was already on the bus at that time. I came, she welcomed me, gave me a hug. We sat, talked about this and that, i cracked a couple of lame jokes, she asked what was getting me bad, i told her, then we talked some more... and went to bed. I felt better that night, but i couldn't shake a dull sadness in my soul - here was someone i'd ditched comforting me - it was enough to make all the angels in heaven weep! I wasn't expecting any physical intimacy that night - trust me, the Horny Hormone has a fine respect for ex-gf's - and knowing Z the way i know her, i didn't need ghosts to tell me that no monkey business'd be entertained that night. Some time around 1am, mosquitoes started biting me. I tried to ignore the bites, but i couldn't keep from scratching. And it was hot -  PHCN had done their again. Z noticed my discomfort and started fanning me a plastic hand-fan. Then she asked if i'd rather stay outside for a while, that it was cool there - "outside" was the short passage in front of her room. I thought about it and said yes, let's go outside ( if i went out she'd come with me, see :)

And thats how it happened: Z on the waist-high passage barricade; me on a chair facing her, my head and arms resting on her thighs, her arms round my neck. I can't remember who touched who first, but i know it was i who spoke first:

"Z, i'm sorry..."

That was the moment.

Love Is Crazy

WARNING: If you don't have time for a long post, then don't even start reading. Cos this is LOOOOOOONNNNGGG!! :D

...........................................

If someone had told me 6 months ago that i'd be posting somthing like this, i'd have asked the person whadahell he or she (she, more than likely) had been smoking. Well, the thing is, eh, i am in love. Jeez, this whole idea sucks... Anyhow i know say some peeps for blogsville don dey suspect me of being love-struck for some months now shaa. What? You want me to say it louder? Ok, fine:

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!!

(lol...)There, i said it, now SugarK and NBB can laugh me into stupor. Yes o, laugh if you want. As in, kay9 the playboy, fall in love ke? Na so i see am o; i don catch love-bug, since September last year sef (e don teeh, abi?). In fact, i no see road on christmas day, na so love just dey shack me ehh, left, right and center.... (lol!)

I guess the next question is Who be dis omoge wey dey make kay9 fall in love? Easy, shebi y'all remember Z? (I mentioned her first here) Well, na she o! Thing is, i remember exactly when i fell in love with Z - the exact moment in time when the inevitable happened, and i was captured. Ahh, that tori long o.

But no wahala, una go hear'am tire (and for those who've not heard me mention Z before); my next post is going to be titled: "All About Z", so keep a date. All of una wey dey like yummy, juicy love-tales, kay9 go give una the story of his love life... in the next episode. This episode, however, is about the crazy things - the THREE MAJOR CRAZY THINGS - that love has got me doing. All the play-boys out there catching them omoge-tails and "oyoyo-sawam", mak una come listen o, e go soon reach una.

1) NOW, WHENEVER I LOOK AT ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL BABE, I DEVELOP A GUILTY CONCIENCE. Ok, maybe "guilty concience" is stretching it, but honestly i can't "look" at any fine babe now without feeling like i'm doing something wrong. By "looking" i mean "appraising the goods", "doing a laser scan", you know... Well, i can't do that any more and - and it sucks! I ain't cheating or anything, am i? So why the guilt?? Damn.

2) I'VE STARTED TALKING LIKE A "LOVE-DOLL". You know all that lovey-dovey stuff they say in romance movies and M&B novels? Well, kay9 don become expert, "guru" in fact. Example: a typical phone conversation btw kay9 and Z about to end...

kay9: Sorry babe, i gotta go.

Z: Really? Mmmmmmmh.... (making funny displeased noises) Ahhhh, ok. Take care of yourself, miss u baby.

kay9: i miss U too. love u, sugar.

Z: love u too, honey-pie.

kay9: love u three, sugar-plum.

Z: (giggling) love u four, my sweet-potato.

kay9: (laughing) love u one million-gazillion, my minimini-wanawana

Z: aiit, kay, u win! (giggling and laughing her head off)... 
See what i mean??

3)I'VE STARTED GOING SOFT. The old me - jeez, i'm old already? - the old me never hesitates to say his mind; never afraid to get into a fight; never backs down in an argument... you know, the regular Jack-Toughman-type, plus i smoke and drink (and loving it, too!!).
Now, i get a pinch somewhere in my brain whenever my voice starts rising - only God in heaven knows where it comes from. I still don't back down like that shaa, but i know i ain't so brash anymore either. And the coup de grace: i've stopped smoking! Guess when i stopped? 31st night, December 2009. I don't know how it happened; all i know is i lighted this stick of B&H, and i just felt: Mehn, i don't think i wanna smoke this. Just like that. Of course, that's not to say i won't just start up again tomorrow... lol. The crazy part to all this is that this is EXACTLY what Z has been praying for since we got together - that i stop being so brash, that i stop drinking and smoking....

Now, now, see, i know this last part is more or less a good thing; i'm not so bent on being "the bad nyaga" that i don't recognize when something good is actually happening to me. Its just that i'm just thinking, if just being in love caused all this, what's gonna happen when i'm married??

Mmm, Chineke lekwa!