Friday, 29 October 2010

Round One: FIGHT!!!

This fully AWESOME!!!

Friday, 22 October 2010


To all the NIGERIAN girlfriends i’ve dated in my life, and to the ones I’m still gonna date in future:

1. My pay-check bears only my name; stop asking me how much it has on it.

2. Either call me or don’t; “flashing” is no longer acceptable. It is silly, childish, clogs up the network, and seriously reduces my battery life.

2(b). A relationship is a two-way thing; it saddens me that I do all the calling (and texting and "facebooking", too).

2(c). When I call you today, don’t ask me why I didn’t call yesterday; honestly, I can’t even begin to explain how annoying that is.

3. Until you start paying the cab guy, picking up our dinner tab, paying for our movie tickets, recharging my phone every week, adding me to your monthly budget  – in fact, until you start doing (at least) half of what I’m doing for you, don’t even talk to me about equality. I don't like to discuss it, but honestly, money talks louder where i come from.

4. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, shebi? So how come you can have texts on phone that begin “Hello swt hrt…”, and I can’t?

5. I can actually cook for myself. I just thought I should remind you.

6. I’m sure Sigmund Freud said somewhere that women enjoy sex as much as men do, so pray tell, is it just me or is something really wrong with you?

7. For chrissakes, watch some foreign movies – I’m tired of hearing about Osuofia and Aki and Paw-paw!

8. I will never raise my hand against you, I swear it – but you’d better never raise yours neither. Babe, this is Nigeria; around here it’s only in home movies that women slap men and get away with it.

9. And lastly, I’m your boyfriend, not your father – and we ain’t married yet, neither. So you should understand when I wish you’d stop asking me for money to make your hair (or a million other things you keep cooking up). I actually know when to do treats for you, so please stop asking me for them yourself! It spoils the whole romantic kiniko. Msshewwww!

Now, if all these make me a bad boyfriend, or  a “scrub”, or “unromantic”, or whatever name it is dubbed these days, then sorry – that’s just the way I are.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Love like the morning dew...

This song is speaking to my heart... love is such a beautiful thing.

(**sobs n sniffles!)

Shola, yours is the best definition of that word!

Updated: Shola Allyson - Eji Owuro (English and French subtitled)

Friday, 1 October 2010

Half-A-Century Later...

"Nigeria is 50 years old."

It's 12:08pm, October 1st, Nigeria's Independence Day. I'm sitting at my laptop, typing out this blogpost and ignoring my t.v. In contrast to me is Enyimba; his eyes are glued to the darned silver screen, watching the independence anniversary celebrations. Oh yes, the one they spent 9.5 billion naira on... But i don't wanna talk about all that now - I don't wanna start comparing countries, or pointing fingers at bribe-fattened politicians, or ranting about corrupt trigger-happy policemen... No, all i want is to write something nice and optimistic about my country. But i keep getting this image of Mazi GEJ shaking his oblong head, smiling inwardly at the same time, and gingerly signing off N9.5bn that could've been better utilized somewhere else.

Oh, fuck it.

Enyimba's muttering something about the commentary being in french, "Nigeria's an anglophone country....!" I wish he'd stop; he's just increasing the room temperature and i don't have a frigging a.c.

So Naija is fifty. Great, now we've gone from "Fools at 40" to "Juvenile Delinquents at 50"; quaint and illogical, i know, but what better term suits us?

Enyimba is now peeping over my shoulder, and demanding to know whaddaheck his name is doing on my post; silly idiot, he doesn't know what honor i'm doing him, lol....

Happy Independence to Naija! We've already wasted half-a-century; let's hope and pray we don't totally blow the remaining half.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

I'm Drooling All Over This...

Hey guys.

Don't worry about the title, i'll tell y'all what i'm drooling over later, make i just first mis-yarn small. And while we're at it, may i categorically say it now that this post is probably not gonna make much sense. As in, it doesn't have any thread whatsoever about it. So if you are tempted to break your laptop and strangle Blogger to death after reading it, well, umm, just go ahead.

It's been a while since i posted last. I dont know why. And i'm too tired to bother. Maybe i'm losing my mojo.

I'm going to buy a car before this year is out. I'm tired of begging people for rides - tired of having to wait for the rain to abate a little so i can go out and look for a cab (yes, abate a little because i have SWORN never to own an umbrella!) - tired of waiting for hours at the roadside waiting for a cab - tired of getting tired of waiting for a cab and walking off in frustration only to have the said cabs drive by and splash muddy water on me. I'm tired! But na tokumbo i go buy o, i never get 2.5m to invest in "tear-rubber" now, abeg.
Oh, and by the way, i'm still learning to drive. Yes, yes, i know it sucks major, almost as bad as* never having had an orgasm and having painful hemorrhoids. But its my dad's fault, really. See, we only ever had one car - a 1983 505 Peugout, the love of my dad's life. And he swore never to let any other person drive it (besides my mum, of course). How me and #2 pleaded and begged, Daddy, please now, only us can't drive yet in this street, all our friends can drive and they're laughing at us... For where, whosai! My dad said when i grow up, i should buy my own car and learn with it. So here i am, 26 years old, and still yet to take off the L-plates - i never even put the yeye plate sef, talk more of removing it. Mssheew.
The old dude still drives the darned 505, by the way, the Shylock! (I lurv my daddy o, lol!!)


I'm sitting the office right now, waiting for a babe who's visiting me from Lagos to arrive (the weekend is starting tomorrow, thursday n friday are public holidays). She's coming by road. I'm still waiting... and dreaming of all the beer i'd have drank by now.


People, guess what? Satzenbrau is back in town!! Oh yes, the good old Skirt and Blouse - or as my Onitsha bros dem dey called it in the days, "Saacham-Brain" ("Wash-my-Brain"). And guess what else? IT COST ONLY 100 BUCKS!!! (about 67 cents). Mehn, me and my guys have been drinking like crazy!!! Shoo, no be small tin o. I don't know how much a bottle of lager beer costs in America or Europe, but here in Naija the average is N200 (we call it "Pump Price"); Gulder, Star, Heineken, etc; same for Guinness stout and medium. Guinness Extra Smooth and Guinness large are N350. Now, with all these in mind, imagine getting a bottle of beer for half the normal pump price! And as if the price wasn't incentive enough, the beer itself is the SMOOTHEST i've ever tasted, honestly. I tell my friends, this beer is fine, divine, and simply sublime!! Hahahaa, just like kissing a girl, babe!
It was so funny yesterday. Usually, on a good friday night, we blow like 5k on beer alone; other nights, like mid-week wednesday (we call it "Mid-week Service"), we do like 2k or 3k. So yesterday, after we'd done like 3 bottles apiece - that's usually our ceiling on a Mid-week Service - we looked around, counted the bottles and did the arithmetic. It came up to approximately one thousand bucks... ONLY ONE THOUSAND NAIRA??!! Are u freaking kidding me?! Mehn, we just yelled for joy and screamed at the bar girl to bring more! LWKMD!!


Ah-haa, i almost forgot. About this title sef, thing is i couldn't think of anything to call this post, so i just typed in the last comment i'd made on Isha's blog. Cool, huh?  Here's what i was drooling about; read it and see if you don't drool, too.

(* edited)

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Mid-Month Randoms

Its 1:25pm; i'm in the office and my boss just gave me a lecture on appreciating God in my life. I think he's full of shit. A week ago he gave our assistant unit manager a two-weeks suspension without pay because the man didn't pick his phone quickly enough - it was during the weekend, too. Of course everybody knows he just doesn't like the man, he's been beefing the man for like weeks now; the phone thing was just an excuse to swing around his weight. Blasted hypocrite, onye-oma Emeka.

I had a fight - and i mean a fight, like fisticuffs - with one of my friends last friday. Then we met up again at a bar and drank over it. But i'm still pissed off whenever i remember it. What happened was we were all sitting together in the office - me, him, and two other guys (lets call'em N, M, and O) - we are all real friends, plus we all work at the same place. Ok, so it was after work hours, and we are relaxing, waiting for N and O's babes to show up. Then its time to go, and N says he's looking for his dvd, says he believes i have it, and demands to search my laptop bag. I refuse. He insists and drags my bag; bag goes southways. He scatters my stuff and walks away. I'm stunned; i walk back to him and asks him wtf was that. He says its what it is, and wtf am i gonna do about it? I'm staring, like stupid stunned - and i didn't even have the frigging dvd. Then he delivers the bombshell: kay, u can't do shit about it. Says it repeatedly to my face.

Jesus wept.

Anyway, long story short, i go outside and wait for him. He comes out, and i give him a resounding right hook he's gonna remember for a long time. Oh, i forgot to mention, he's like two heads taller than i am, and almost twice as big. But you know the thing about righteous fury; it makes you invincible. It didn't last long tho, we got separated pretty quick. M was really angry with us both, said we were embarrassing him fighting like little secondary school boys. O says we are delaying his beer, and God help us if his babe gets tired of waiting and goes back home. N came over later at the bar, acting all nice, offering to light my cigarette each time i pulled one out. So everybody drank himself into a stupor and forgot everything.

But mehn, i still get angry remembering it; how can u eff-up so bad on somebody and still have the nerve to tell him something like that - YOU CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT.

My coy is owing salaries again, and by God i need dough right now more than CBN.

I didn't go to the rig afterall; someone else was sent. Tough shit.

Monday, 9 August 2010

I Confess To Almighty God...

Hi Blogsville, guess what? Today is my birthday. I don't have anything cool or super-tight to blog about, just a simple post. A simple birthday post. A simple birthday post confession.

I've been partying since thursday; me and my friends now have permanent seat reservations at Daniel's (its a club in GRA, P.H). By saturday evening i was knocked-out, and then i made a sudden realization - its all been a fcuking waste of time. I went to church on sunday and felt better.

I know i should have said this a long time ago, but i just couldn't; i didn't know how to say it, i guess i was just ashamed of myself.

Z and i aren't together anymore - its been like three months now. And if you're wondering, yes, that's what i meant by Changing the Lock.

Ada-bekee and Rep1 are wondering if i'm crazy or something; my dearies, i'm not crazy, i'm just not the right guy for Z. I thought deep and hard and realized that the real reason i loved Z was because she loved me first, and loved me so hard; a one-sided love like that won't survive stormy weathers - and i didn't want to wait till the weather got stormy. I hurt Z too much, and she just kept coming back; it was wrong. It is wrong. So i made her break up with me. Gentle Z finally got furious with me, and left my world of hurt. It hurt her a lot more, but i like to tell myself i was saving her an even bigger heart-break. I hope she'll learn to forget me. And i hope she forgives me for not being man enough to say it to her face.

I know i'm sounding like a monster here - what with all my post on what makes or mares a relationship - maybe i am a monster.

NuttyJ, i'm sorry i couldn't learn from your example. Sometimes i wonder about it all, and i wonder if i've squandered my one chance at a happy lovley married life.

I got a lot of messages on FB and on my fone today. I also got one from Z, part of which reads: We meet to melt hearts & be felt; i'm glad i met u cos u melted my heart & i felt you in a way i wouldn't any other. happy birthday, baby! Z wishes u da best :-)

I'm going to the rig tomorrow. And i feel hollow.

I'd fcuked up once and she took me back. Now i've fcuked up again. Its only right that i should be man enough to live with my mistake... but then, was it really a mistake?


Happy birthday to me.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Re: Relationship Ponderings

Taynement did a post called Relationship Ponderings, a really nice and well-received post. Only for yours truly to swagger his lazy backside and blurt out that he doesn't agree with what she said. And thought it would just pass like that. But no, Tay (bless her heart!) replied almost instanta (by email, no less!) and nicely asked me to explain... or else Blogville no go contain me and her! Lol.... ok, i admit i actually asked if she wanted me to explain, but i'd forgotten all about it. 

So this is me trying to connect my brain to my pen. Mind, its a loooooong post.

Ok, see, i actually agree that a good guy/girl is hard to find - very hard, if u ask me (sometimes i even wonder what exactly a "good" guy is). And yes, i also agree that relationships needn't be hard.
In fact, i basically agree most things Tay advocated (sorry Tay!!), except these:

1. "There no such thing as an emotionally unavailable man".
2. "... Most women, tend to take it personally and think something is wrong with them but nothing is wrong with you."

First, lemme modify #1 Disagreement to read "emotionally unavailable person", aah-ha (before them feminists go chop off my blokos, lol). Ok, so what is an "emotionally unavailable person"? Me, i've never heard the phrase before, but from Tay's description i'm assuming it means when your (supposed) sweet-heart isn't being open with you - is "blanking" you - is hiding what he/she is really thinking, etc. Now, the disagreement here is that Tay says its just cos you two don't "connect"; your "replacement" will prolly connect better and click, click! the locked gates swing open. Me, i say No can do. SOME people are JUST like that. I'm not saying this is always the case - in fact, most of the time, Tay's view is what actually obtains - the dude/dudette doesn't dig the Significant Other, so he/she blanks 'em. BUT every once in a while you come across people who are truly "solo" - could be something happened to 'em earlier in life, could also be they're just like that - but the thing is they just aren't that big in the communications department. Just so.

About #2, well, me i disagree cos its just not true (i mean it for both sexes). Don't get me wrong, i know some people have low esteem and tend to always blame themselves when things go wrong in their relationships; they need to be reassured that "there's nothing wrong with them"; now this i dig (even though this too isn't essentially true either; i mean, low self-esteem IS a problem, right?). But to integrate and sum up it up like that, including both the ridiculously meek-of-heart and the grotesquely pride-overblown, now that's where i have an issue. See, let's face up to facts a little. By definition human beings are imperfect, and its my personally opinion that most people are better at seeing other people's faults than seeing their's. There's nothing wrong with me. Really? Have you checked?

See, I've had my fair share of break-up's, and as self-righteous as it sounds, it's rarely my fault! (Yup, u heard me!) Here's what i usually tell myself when they happen: kay, it's not your fault that you're too proud; kay, you are a stuck-up idiot, but hey, what can u do? kay, u raised your voice way too loud, but it's not your fault that you can't control your temper... Ok, i'm exaggerating it, but the point i'm trying to make is we - most of us shaa, besides the ridiculously meek-of-heart, of course - we tend to play down our bad points, we can't understand how that "little" thing we said/did is making him/her so angry - why, if it was me i'd have forgiven him/her! Well guess what? It ain't you; its him/her! And he/she just doesn't like it!!! So why don't we shrug off our little cocoon of blamelessness a little and accept some responsibility. Nutty J said in one of her posts she fcuked up once; i respect that. At the start of the post, Tay said, "... appreciate him/her and don't sabotage yourself"; but how do we realize say we don sabotage the ting when we just keep thinking, "It's not my fault"? Go figure.

(mehn, this he/she/him/her gender thing messed up my argument small o)

Aah, well; there it is, what i disgree with. So much talk, Tay.

I guess in a nutshell i just have a problem with generalizations. :P

Monday, 19 July 2010

Knocked Out

 What my life's been like for the better part of two months now:


Worse than a dog's life.
Lord, gimme a sign.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Aboard Noble Percy Johns... again

Hi blogsville, i've been absent for a while. Sowwy. My job's come calling again; seven days now and counting aboard Noble Percy Johns rig. Thing is, there actually is internet conn, but i've just been sooooo blog-lazy. So here's my saying "Hello Blogsville, i'm still in love with you!!"

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

On This Relationship Thing

I’ve never liked telling people how to live their lives, always seemed too nosey and “bizzy-body” to me. Even more, I’ve always tried not to talk/discuss about relationships on this blog. You know, the whole boy-girl thing – what the boy/girl should and shouldn’t do, what works and what doesn’t, all that ish. My reason? One: it’s too messy, and it’s just a matter of time before someone’s feelings are hurt, and then the insults start to fly. Messy.
Two: Simple, I’m no expert. And I absolutely hate giving advice on something I ain’t grounded in. So to excuse myself, I always add something like “in my opinion…”, or “if you ask me…”, or “the way I see it…”

Still, I never do that unless I’m asked first.

BUT today – today, I’m going to break my rule. I’m going to talk about relationship. Nothing in-depth, mind you, just a little something on this question: is it ok for a girl to tell a guy that she likes him? Actually, it was something on naijashawty’s blog that prompted this. Y’all might wanna go and read first, then come back.

And my answer: An unequivocal, undiluted and indisputable YES! By all means, babe, tell him!!

I know girls are very sensitive – to criticism, to insults, to even silence. I also know that any normal babe will want her man to take the first step (if possible, even the second, third, fourth, tenth, etc… lol). Now, besides these, the society also plays a part; out-spoken girls are somewhat seen as “easy”, uncultured, “domineering”, or even fly (that’s a nice way of saying she’s a whore). Have I listed all the arguments? I dunno, but we’ll work with these ones for now. Ok, so in the face of all this then, imagine a girl coming out boldly (no less!) to tell you she loves your style; is it “ok”?

Yup, by all means.

Dear me, dear me! I can imagine Ada-bekee and Fabulola shaking their collective heads and hissing "over their dead bodies", lol! Babes, it is ok! Listen to me, guys are not animals. We also have feelings, we understand fears – being the ones who’d usually brave the likely rejection and embarrassment, you can rest assured we actually KNOW how it feels. 

The way I see it, the two biggest fears (I stand to be corrected, of course) of a girl who wants to speak her mind to a guy are: (1) Rejection, and (2) Being seen as “too easy”. Now, hear this: it is my personal opinion (and conviction, too) that the fear of being rejected comes up because babes are so used to being on the giving-out end, the longer end of the stick, the higher pedestal. Remember that last guy you told to please act like an adult and stop embarrassing himself? Or that other idiot who stopped disturbing you after you texted him “Please, I beg you, PISS OFF!!”?(**smh, lwkmd… umu nwanyi!!) And now you are wondering what will happen if you asked this really handsome Adonis what he’s doing Friday night – what if he replies with something like what you told that poor mumu who’d been stalking you for 2months now? God, you’d just die!! Loool…. Teeehehehe! Not so funny now, right? Wrong again! IT IS FUNNY

Okay, okay, I just had to get that one out. Sincerely though, there’s no way out of this one; all you can do is try and not hit on someone who’s too vain. Only a really, really vain and proud ass-wipe would snub a babe, and thankfully there aren’t many of them. As for being too easy, we all know society isn’t what it used to be. We all watch American films where girls ask guys out – who remembers Run-away Bride? In the end she had to propose to the guy, abi? Silly and stupid film IMO, but my point is society has moved away from when girls speaking first was a taboo.

Ok the Naija factor next, shebi? Guys in naija ain’t like guys outside, right? Bullshit. Babe, use your woman-sense, pick your guy right; ever wonder why a guy would talk to a girl, but not to her friend? Cos his instincts tell him talking to her would be a bad idea. Of course he might be wrong; it may well turn out the one he’s talking to is the one who’s gonna sleep with his best friend later, but it’s a risk he accepted and decided to take. In the same way, choose your guy, but bear in mind it might be a wrong choice – that’s why it’s a RELATIONSHIP. If the guy goes on later to brag to his friends that you were the easiest he’s ever had, then accept my sincere condolences. You’ll definitely never have to worry if you don’t do nothing, but that shy guy you’ve been eyeing for almost three weeks now might just be your Mr. Right.

So here’s my take: I’m not saying you should make a move on every good-looking male you see – in fact, I absolutely advice against that! NEVER say anything – not even texting or paging – to a guy unless you are absolutely convinced that you are REALLY into him; that way it’s easier to bear if it goes sour. However, if you ARE into him and he’s cool and froody on the low-low – you know, a real cool homeboy with his swagga in rhythm – then by all means, let him know! Call him or text him and tell him something like… I dunno, you think he’s got a real cute smile, or you aint got power over dreams, but if you did you’d make sure he has a very pleasant rest tonight – nothing too intimate, mind, just something that’s sure to stun him and make him smile like an idiot and wonder what he’s missing. If he’s the real tight gyansta you think he is, then he gonna catch the green-light. And he doesn’t, go ahead and ask him if he’s going out Friday night WITH FRIENDS – then come along with a friend, too! I’m sure you can manage it from there. And if after all this he still doesn’t catch your drift, forget him – he ain’t worth the stress, he’s just a lame-ass, cheap-joke, green-horned, totally un-hip fake-swagged mutherfcuker sucking-on-a-thump.

Or maybe he’s just TOO shy.


Thursday, 15 April 2010

Finally Thankful

I've been postponing this for like 2months now, so after weeks of blogfast its only fitting that i end it with a Thankful post. (abeg GNG i'm not stealing your idea oo, i'm only copying. Nobody should accuse me of plagiarism! I don't want to be beaten on the head with a shoe, lol...)

Ok, here goes:

I'm thankful to God that i am still alive and healthy today.
I know lots of people don't believe in all that ''God shit'' anymore, but i still do. Its a personal thing for me, and i know who i owe it all to.

I'm thankful that i have a job.
Guys, i don't know if y'all know what its like here in 9ja for graduates; hundreds, thousands, flocking around like sheep, absolutely jobless. There are guys i graduated with four fcuking yrs ago still milling around unemployed - guys that used to be ''big boys'' then, now they call me ''Chairman'', ''Chief'', ''Oga'' - and i really, really wish they'd stop calling me that. Its so sad.
See, egwuriegwu aside, my job is pretty shitty, with lots of ''Yes sir'' to it - and i still dream of kicking my boss' ass and beating him on the head with a shoe (lol..) - but even at that, i'm still grateful for it. Of course in the mean time, i'm arranging my portfolio (is that sp correct?) and keeping an eye out for Prophet Elijah...

I'm thankful for my tough times.
Yes o, i'm thankful for all those times i was living in ''Broke-lyn'' and borrowing from friends, times i was slaving it out in coveralls under the sun, times when i was forced to discover my own strengths. Oh yeah, and i know its not over yet; tougher times are still on the way. But u know what? This homeboy is headed for the sky! Haahaha!!

And one last thing i'm thankful for: Blogsville.
My God, u all are something, unu wu ihe!! Looool! From the nice, to the amusing, funny, annoying, infuriating, downright sarcastic, to the totally outrageous, Blogsville has it all. And i'm happy that y'all never cease to make my day! Gracias!

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Scope 101

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Picks phone. "Hello?
“Hello, please call me back. Please, please, pleeeez!” Click!
Deep sigh. Girls! Punching numbers… Ring-!
“Hi! How’re you doing?”
“I’m ok, you?”
“I’m good, good, just… I was a little…”
“A little what? Ill?
“Yeah, I had a bit of fever. I was very down.”
“Ee-yah. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”
“Well, that’s cos you never call – you never call me unless I call you first.”
“But – but -”
“You boys are like that – you are all like that. (Whining now) You never call me, never…”
“But – but -”
“But what?”
“But I called you just yesterday!”
“Yes, you did – because I flashed you first!”
Chuckling. “Baby… baby, why are you on my case like this? Relax! Don’t you know that you are my one and only?”
“Mmmh? Really?”
“Of course! The mere thought of you makes my heart skip.”
Giggling girlishly. “It’s a lie. You are just saying all that to make me feel good…”
“No, I’m not – you know I’m not.”
Sigh. “Honey…”
Smiling. “Yes…”
“Umm, I need – I need a small favor from you.”
“Yes dear. Please, it’s just a small something…”
“Umm yeah. I just – I just need a little money for my weekend shopping, something like fifteen thousand naira…”
“Honey, I said I need fifteen thousand naira, you know, just for weekend stuff and…”
“Fifteen k? For shopping?”
“Yes now… Honey it’s not much, I know you can handle it.”
“Mmmh. Fifteen thousand. Fifteeeeeeeen thousand…”
“Yes. Please don’t say no…”
“Oh thanks, dear! That’s why you are my honey-pie!”
“Umm, I’ll make a couple of calls, see how it goes. You’ll be free tomorrow, right?”
“Babe, I don’t know…”
“C’mon, give a home-boy some quality time, eh…” (makes silly funny noices)
Giggling again. “Oooo-kay, but honey, don’t disappoint me o. You still have my account number abi?”
“Of course. Hey, you can relax, you know I don’t eff-up. I’ll call you, ‘k?”
“Alright. Kiss-kiss!”


Turns to roomie and grins triumphantly.
“You get am? ‘Im gree?” asks roomie.
“Yes now! You no trust me? I scope am full time! (laughs heartily)
“Correct babe, abeg collect five jare!”
“Cool fifteen k for account tomorrow, heeheehee! Mmmh, oya abeg find another mugu numba make we flash am…”


Turn to pal and grins from ear to ear. “O’boy see dis mumu girl, for her mind she don knack jack-pot!”
“Na dat Ekaete babe? Na she dey ask for fifteen k?”
“Yes o! (laughs)
“Shebi na you get CBN now!”
“No be only CBN, even World Bank! Make she show tomorrow make I collect kpetus first; that fifteen k don enter serious voice mail…”

Now, who's really "scoping" who?

Friday, 26 March 2010

The "Happy Time" Conclusion

Last night, while me and my friends (C. and M.) were hanging out, pouring libations to St. Bacchus, the issue of God's Will came up. How it happened was, C. was trying to call some babe with whom he had a shagging arrangement that night, but it seemed the bird had turned tail cos he kept on getting "number unavailable". So he takes to bemoaning his fate and says something like "God, if its your will, let me shag this night... Amen."

C.'s pretty religious, see.

Of course we all got cracking up, like Dude, are you crazy? Shagging is a sin! M. even goes as far as saying that it is actually God's will that he doesn't shag. See bad belle, hee-hee!

Anyway, all this lead me to thinking, What really is God's will? Cos i honestly don't subscribe to the "holy, holy, and holy" mantra - no way God's that boring. All through the bible, God almost always hangs out with some dude (or dudette) who had some kick in him - you know, someone who every once in a while took some time out to just swagga back and have some good ole' fun. Check out Samson, David, Solomon, Elijah, Abraham, Esther (she was a Queen, imagine! So much party!). Even way into the New Testament, St. Paul was still advicing the young Timothy to chill out and have some wine (yeah, for his stomach, i know. But c'mon, wine is wine).

See, all these good fellas i mentioned, all they did was maintain a healthy balance between the serious issues of life (like being prayerful, upright, honest, hard-working, etc.), and the fun-side of living - like sipping a likkle Moet and Hennessy, some harmless flirting, you know, and a shag or two once in a while! You think about it, God made us in His image, right? Now, every one of you reading this, tell me that you don't feel like just loosening up and having some silly good time every now and then, huh? Doesn't it just feel like instinct? Now go a lil' step further; if i'm an image of God and i'm like this, what does it tell me about God? Yeah, yeah, you can scream Blasphemy! all you want, but me i don talk my own.

Of course all this begs the question: if God thought having "fun" was such a good idea, why does his commandments demand otherwise? Easy. Cos if there weren't rules, peeps would overdo it!! Imagine if God didn't say shagging (besides your spouse, that is) was a sin - the whole freaking world would've be filled with kids conceived out of wedlock. Ever wonder why Sodom and Gomorrah was such bad place? Cos they had no rules! Me, i don't mind shagging at all ('specially if its with one sweet and chocolatey mamacita), but meeen, those two cities made an occupation out of it. Plus they were homosexuals - and that's were i draw the line. Homosexuality is BENT. Yup, you heard me. Its so bent, its competing with murder on my Sin Scale.

Ok, my conclusion? God just wants us to have a happy time, BUT WITH LIMITS!! That's all. Here's what i always tell my buddies who don't drink: God wants you to do all your drinking here on earth; that's why there are no breweries in heaven!

(kay9 is cwazy, lol...)

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Donate For Jos, please

I actually set out to do a Thankful post (like GNG does every friday). I'd seen something on CNN that made me realize anew how lucky i am to have the things i do. Some Myanmar refugees left stranded at sea by Thai navy officials who'd initially arrested them. The dejection and despair on their faces was so heart-rending, i wished there was something i could do to help them. And then, with the thought of helping far away refugees came the thought of my fellow Nigerians being butchered alive by their own country-men in nearby Jos. What have i done to help them, i thought. Nothing. Absolute nada.

So feeling like the cool and tight kay9 who always does what he says he'll do, head puffing with pride, i went off to look for that site Suru and 2cute had hooked up. I went. I saw. And I was humbled. Then i read down to Suru's post titled "Some Resolution" and saw the link she said made her cry. I clicked...

Brothers and Sisters of blogsville, those barbarians committed a genocide in Jos. They KILLED men, women, children. HUNDREDS. Probably even thousands, i don't know. They KILLED them, BUTCHERED them, BURNT them, and left them to rot in the sun.

Why?? Why????

Why would any human-being do that to another? Because of religion?? Because of FUCKING RELIGION?????? Tomorrow Azazel will come and post something about how stupid all religions are, and someone will start telling him how myopic he is. Yet see what religion makes us do!

I don't what to say... what to do... Why? What do you do the person(s) who did this when you catch them? Kill them? Torture them? Forgive them like the Bible says? Please fellow bloggers, who knows the solution?

I'm just sitting here boiling with impotent anger. Impotent because it won't achieve anything; the dead are dead, anger isn't gonna take care of the living. So i'm going back to copy the account details for the Jos Fund on Suru's post. I'm near broke now, but as soon as my salary comes in i'll parcel-off something for those poor survivors. That's the least i can do. But for now i'm forwarding that page address to every email address i know.

I don't know what to call this post now - it definitely isn't a thankful post anymore; i just want to beg all blogsville to send something to Jos, please. Belle Naija's blog has details on how you can help.

God help us all.

UPDATE: 2cute4u has left a comment on this post; it appears the Red Cross donations account still has some issues. So please don't send any cash donations yet; just keep an eye on We Are Jos for when it is ready. Thanks!

Friday, 12 March 2010

Changing The Lock

Do you know what it feels like 
   Loving someone 
   That’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like 
   To be the last one to know
   The lock on the door has changed.
                                            - Enrique Iglesias (Do You Know)

Imagine you having to change the lock...

See, it's not her; it's you - and you know it. But how do u explain it all to her without breaking her heart in the process? Cos the honest truth is the spark is gone - where to, you dont know. You are just not into her anymore.

Little insignificant things she does piss you off - things that never used to bother you. Suddenly her dress style isn't appropiate anymore; the topics that interest her sound like trash to you - and you aren't even married yet! You try to act ok, try to carry along, to salvage what you started  - cos instead of love, you are now driven by your sense of duty. But you know she hates dishonesty and its gonna be worse when she finds out.

What makes it so bad is that you had such wonderful times together, such lovely memories... How did you get to this? Or didn't you see all these things before when she was still your Morning Sunshine? And to think she didn't want at first; it was you that went after her - and got her - and now you are dumping her.

Here you are, listening to Enrique's Do You Know, and wondering: "How do i tell her the lock on the door has changed?"

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

A Pic Post


Here's the best of customer Service - Ojo-Elegba style. Now, if only banks and mobile phone service providers would borrow a leaf from that guy!


This one is actually a sales pitch.
TOYOTA HILLUX FOR SALE: In a slightly (unfairly) used condition; 6-Cow Power Engine ; Can sit more than 5; ZERO fuel requirements; Absolutely NO Speed Limit; Absolutely NO Extra/Recurrent Costs (just arrange enof chowder for the cows). For enquiries, just fly down to Kano (Nigeria), and find your way to the outskirts of the city - you'll see a good dealer if you stand long enough at a road-side.


Lol... i'm laffing so hard i can't even type straight.
However... however, one thing i can say about this dude: He's got his Swagga Mode fully active - totally gyansta, homie! LWKMD! A friend in the office described him as "Aboki with an attitude" - attitude no be small one o.


Yep, it's the Green Monster-Hero alright.
Now, ladies, this one is for you:
What would you do if your man suddenly changed into this guy - colour, size, muscles and all? ( ...and don't forget his Little John!)


Just to brighten your dreary Wednesday; WHY SO SERIOUS??

(Mehn, where's my TDK bootleg dvd...)

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Musings and Poor Chile

Last day of the month...

I'm yet to receive my salary; tough shit i guess.

I keep telling people that drinking beer straight from the bottle is like kissing a girl, but most don't believe me. Buy a beer today and hic! check for yourself.

I think President Yar'Adua is dead; Turai and Segun Adeniyi are just lying summabeeches... well, technically, Turai is just a lying beech. 

Suru, 2cute4u, MyneWhitman, and Muyiwa have put up a blog to help disaster-affected Nigerians, "We Are Jos". Go check. I'm 101% behind it.

Chile's just suffered a 8.8 magnitude earthquake - stronger than what hit Haiti weeks ago. About 300 expected dead, probably more. And i thought i had problems... (2cute, any chance we can do anything about this one?)

Still think 2012 is a joke?

I wonder.

Friday, 19 February 2010

... and it is titled: "Hmmm."

-- As usual, Naija is in the news again... for the bad reasons. "BBC traces scam computer to Nigeria". I don't know how true the report is, but as a friend posted on Nairaland one thing is pretty clear: the Nigerian flag is current logo for internet scams - somebody say hi to Columbia (drug trafficking) and Italy (organized crime) :D  Hmmm.

 -- Ok, so the first trip to see our erstwhile out-of-station president was thwarted by the eminent 1st lady, Turai Y'all-a-Dull (a.k.a Lady Macbeth), a second contingent is now being assembled again. Meanwhile, the report of the first group is yet to be submitted to the House of Reps (it's worthlessness not withstanding) a WHOLE FRIGGING WEEK after they came back. Why, you may ask; because - wait for it! - because two members of the trip are YET to come back and append their signatures to the report  - one detoured off for a vacation in Dubai (on who's account???) while another stalked of to Spain for "an assignment". Hmmm.

 -- Peter Obi won Anambra State elections, abi? As Onitsha man talk, notin mega, posterity will judge. Cos if that election was really held, and voters were actually able to vote, then by Jehova umu-Israel there's no way Obi would've won - Dr. Chris Ngige was by-far the popular choice - damn, i'll stake my home and abroad accounts on it! And mind you i don't especially like Ngige that much.
Mehn, una need to see how sooooo unpopular that Obi guy currently is. So how did he do it?? Hmmm, you didn't hear this from me, but the thing was 3-quarters of peeps who turned for the election couldn't find their names on the voters' register. Instead they were seeing hausa names like Musa al-Kassad and Alhaji Maidogonyaro all over the register. In Anambra State!!! Since when nwa-ala igbo begin answer alhaji??! Now, i wasn't at the elections (couldn't leave my 8-5, thankya!), i actually heard these things from my mum, family and friends back in Anambra - and they can't all be lying. Hmmm, i don talk my own.

 -- And lastly, una hear of the electrocution accident wey kill people like chicken for Port Harcourt? The tori long, mak una go read am here. My people, na dia i dey follow go work EVERY MORNING OO!! Jehova onye ebere! First, the rain decides to fall in February - in freaking February!! - whaddahell issat? 2012 preamble? Global warming, abi na cooling? Hmmm. Then factor in the high-voltage cable, the big tree right next to it, and then the bus terminal beside them all. As usual, a panel has been instituted to look into the thing, and the state governor has given a speech decrying such carelessness by the PHCN - who, of course, have gone on a solidarity visit to the governor to "console" him on the unfortunate accident and assure him they're working hard to make sure it doesn't occur again. Meanwhile, the victims are languishing in pain in the hospital. Naija!!  Hmmm.

Friday, 12 February 2010

All About Z (2)

Well, there really isn't much else to tell. Z and i are together now; she took me back into her arms that night - it was like we were two lovers who'd been separated for sooooo long - and i knew i'd been given a second chance that very few ever get. I won't claim to be a changed creature or anything - every now and then a pretty female wags her tail at me and i just gotta switch over to swagger mode - say Gawd-bwamb, sombori preeze! lol.... BUT one thing is distinctly clear to me now: Z is mine and i'm her's.

It hasn't been entirely rosy since then, though (real life has no happy endings, mate!), but Z and i are learning ourselves. I won't start yiddy-yakking about all that now but i can tell y'all one thing i've started cultivating: Patience. God knows i need it. Hmm.

We spent last xmas together in P.H; we watched Avatar together at Silverbird cinemas -- it was beautiful... and i was happy. Z loves me to smithereens and mehhn, it never ceases to amaze me how one can love another like that.

Z, if you ever get around to read this:
 kay9 loves you soooooooooooooooo much - say thankya! :D

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

All About Z

Z is my girlfriend, and i love her. But i love her in my own special way, and she loves me in her own way too. Sometimes i think its fate, i dunno, you can tell me what you think. But please don't judge me too harshly when you read this; i am who i am, and i ain't about to change that.

I met Z in my final year; she was in her second year then. I'd gone to visit a friend (a girl); the babe wasn't around, so i ended up with the roommate - Z. We got talking about this and that, yaddy-yaddy-yak, and that was it. I visited again a couple more times and then invited her to my place - my "crib", as i used to call it. She said she wasn't promising anything, i'd kinda figured out she wasn't the visiting type by then; I said i wasn't the normal type of guy either, and that meant she was gonna visit me whether she wanted or not. She laughed it off and i left it at that. I can't remember how many days later when Z showed up at my door; i was kinda stunned cos i didn't think she was gonna be that easy to lure to my "slaughter house" (say thankya, lol). I think i prepared indomie for her, we talked some more while i mentally plan my attack formation. Styl+ was playing on my Aiwa deck when i stood up and asked her to dance with me. She suddenly went shy, said she doesn't dance. I pulled her to her feet all the same and we began the slow-rock. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday: Styl+'s Run Away had just cued in when i untangled my right hand from her left, tipped her chin up to meet my eyes, and then i kissed her on the lips. It was hot, soft and tender. Z flushed like crazy, her face was so hot i thought it would burst into flames; i couldn't resist laughing, and of course she flushed even more, hiding her face in my chest. Something told me right there and then that this girl has got it bad for me.

But that wasn't the moment i fell in love with Z.

Nothing much else happened that day; Z was just a year younger than i was, but i was way more experienced and it didn't feel right exploiting that advantage. We got off to a shaky start. You know that phrase, "fall hopelessly in love"? I think that's what happened to Z; unfortunately, i was just in for the fun. I didn't hide the fact that there were one or two other girls, and Z acted like she didn't really mind, but i'm sure she was just pretending. And then something crazy happened: I started loving Z back. I couldn't get her out of my thoughts - half way through lecture, i'd get this flash of her in my head, zam! i'd forget everything the lecturer was saying, just sitting there smiling like an idiot. It was weird. We had some really lovely memorable times together...

And then i finished school.

Z was a tough girl, still is too, but the pain of losing me was too heavy for her. The day i told her we had to let it go, that it was good while it lasted but this is it, all that stupid "it's not you, it's me" shit, well, Z went to pieces. But God, she covered well! She cried a little - i think she'd seen it coming a mile away - tried telling we could still be together even if we were physically apart... But i wanted to fly, fly, fly away! I didn't want any emotional attachment whatsoever - say thankya and much obliged! - just to feel my freestyle, baby!

So i said no. Z begged me to stay with her, and i said no.

Later, Z called me, said it was ok, that she understands and that we can still be friends. I tried kick against this new "friendship" thing but my guilt got the better of me, so it just sort of limped along. After a while it was me doing the calling; i even visited a coupla times, but it always left me with a 3-days hangover. Then Z started acting cold and distant; took me a while to catch up with this new and improved Z. I think this was the period she tried to purge herself of me; she doesn't like to talk about it now. Meanwhile, i was begining to feel the growing hole in my heart...

Ok, fast-forward to 3 years later, late July last year to be exact. I'm now working with an energy-servicing company, Z's in her final year; we're still more or less friends, but we've learnt our boundaries; she sometimes tells me her worries, i sometimes tell her mine; we kid and we joke, and then we pretend we just didn't - say thankya and Jah bless, but nwanne whatafuckedup arrangement it was! And then along comes the day when my depression hits a whole new all-time low. I've always prided myself on being able to live and survive alone, you know, the whole Lone Ranger thing - but meehn, this time i just knew i NEEDED company - real, caring company - someone who actually wanted me around. And i was stuck - my two real friends, Kachez and Obiora, were now working in Lasgidi and Ibadan respectively; my "homies" back here in P.H were just that - homies, "hanging-out" buddies in simple English. And i DID NOT WANT TO GO HOME - never will it be said that kay9 went home crying to mummy.

So i went to the only place i could think off: to Z.

I called Z and told her i was coming to her place in Owerri; she thought for a while and said ok. I told her i was really feeling "unhappy" and that the real reason i was coming was cos i needed company... that i might stay over; she thought for a while again and said ok. I sighed with relief; i was already on the bus at that time. I came, she welcomed me, gave me a hug. We sat, talked about this and that, i cracked a couple of lame jokes, she asked what was getting me bad, i told her, then we talked some more... and went to bed. I felt better that night, but i couldn't shake a dull sadness in my soul - here was someone i'd ditched comforting me - it was enough to make all the angels in heaven weep! I wasn't expecting any physical intimacy that night - trust me, the Horny Hormone has a fine respect for ex-gf's - and knowing Z the way i know her, i didn't need ghosts to tell me that no monkey business'd be entertained that night. Some time around 1am, mosquitoes started biting me. I tried to ignore the bites, but i couldn't keep from scratching. And it was hot -  PHCN had done their again. Z noticed my discomfort and started fanning me a plastic hand-fan. Then she asked if i'd rather stay outside for a while, that it was cool there - "outside" was the short passage in front of her room. I thought about it and said yes, let's go outside ( if i went out she'd come with me, see :)

And thats how it happened: Z on the waist-high passage barricade; me on a chair facing her, my head and arms resting on her thighs, her arms round my neck. I can't remember who touched who first, but i know it was i who spoke first:

"Z, i'm sorry..."

That was the moment.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Love Is Crazy

WARNING: If you don't have time for a long post, then don't even start reading. Cos this is LOOOOOOONNNNGGG!! :D

If someone had told me 6 months ago that i'd be posting somthing like this, i'd have asked the person whadahell he or she (she, more than likely) had been smoking. Well, the thing is, eh, i am in love. Jeez, this whole idea sucks... Anyhow i know say some peeps for blogsville don dey suspect me of being love-struck for some months now shaa. What? You want me to say it louder? Ok, fine:

I AM IN LOVE!!!!!!

(lol...)There, i said it, now SugarK and NBB can laugh me into stupor. Yes o, laugh if you want. As in, kay9 the playboy, fall in love ke? Na so i see am o; i don catch love-bug, since September last year sef (e don teeh, abi?). In fact, i no see road on christmas day, na so love just dey shack me ehh, left, right and center.... (lol!)

I guess the next question is Who be dis omoge wey dey make kay9 fall in love? Easy, shebi y'all remember Z? (I mentioned her first here) Well, na she o! Thing is, i remember exactly when i fell in love with Z - the exact moment in time when the inevitable happened, and i was captured. Ahh, that tori long o.

But no wahala, una go hear'am tire (and for those who've not heard me mention Z before); my next post is going to be titled: "All About Z", so keep a date. All of una wey dey like yummy, juicy love-tales, kay9 go give una the story of his love life... in the next episode. This episode, however, is about the crazy things - the THREE MAJOR CRAZY THINGS - that love has got me doing. All the play-boys out there catching them omoge-tails and "oyoyo-sawam", mak una come listen o, e go soon reach una.

1) NOW, WHENEVER I LOOK AT ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL BABE, I DEVELOP A GUILTY CONCIENCE. Ok, maybe "guilty concience" is stretching it, but honestly i can't "look" at any fine babe now without feeling like i'm doing something wrong. By "looking" i mean "appraising the goods", "doing a laser scan", you know... Well, i can't do that any more and - and it sucks! I ain't cheating or anything, am i? So why the guilt?? Damn.

2) I'VE STARTED TALKING LIKE A "LOVE-DOLL". You know all that lovey-dovey stuff they say in romance movies and M&B novels? Well, kay9 don become expert, "guru" in fact. Example: a typical phone conversation btw kay9 and Z about to end...

kay9: Sorry babe, i gotta go.

Z: Really? Mmmmmmmh.... (making funny displeased noises) Ahhhh, ok. Take care of yourself, miss u baby.

kay9: i miss U too. love u, sugar.

Z: love u too, honey-pie.

kay9: love u three, sugar-plum.

Z: (giggling) love u four, my sweet-potato.

kay9: (laughing) love u one million-gazillion, my minimini-wanawana

Z: aiit, kay, u win! (giggling and laughing her head off)... 
See what i mean??

3)I'VE STARTED GOING SOFT. The old me - jeez, i'm old already? - the old me never hesitates to say his mind; never afraid to get into a fight; never backs down in an argument... you know, the regular Jack-Toughman-type, plus i smoke and drink (and loving it, too!!).
Now, i get a pinch somewhere in my brain whenever my voice starts rising - only God in heaven knows where it comes from. I still don't back down like that shaa, but i know i ain't so brash anymore either. And the coup de grace: i've stopped smoking! Guess when i stopped? 31st night, December 2009. I don't know how it happened; all i know is i lighted this stick of B&H, and i just felt: Mehn, i don't think i wanna smoke this. Just like that. Of course, that's not to say i won't just start up again tomorrow... lol. The crazy part to all this is that this is EXACTLY what Z has been praying for since we got together - that i stop being so brash, that i stop drinking and smoking....

Now, now, see, i know this last part is more or less a good thing; i'm not so bent on being "the bad nyaga" that i don't recognize when something good is actually happening to me. Its just that i'm just thinking, if just being in love caused all this, what's gonna happen when i'm married??

Mmm, Chineke lekwa!

Monday, 11 January 2010

Under Construction

I wrote this poem two years ago towards the end of my NYSC program - i was worried sick about getting a job and striking out on my own... It felt like being kicked out the house, you know, and i was scared about what the future had for me. I'm pretty much ok now, of course, but my life-building is still way far from being completed.

I’m at work on my building
I’m at work on my life;
Tomorrow will be better, they say
But for now, its still night.
Working by candlelight on
The mistakes of yonder years
I clean up the angles of my ambition
And straighten my building-plan.

Talent ain’t enough
You need lots of luck
’Cos it’s hardest at the foundations
Setting rods of sweat and hardwork;
Mixing mortars of expense, and
Laying brick after painful brick
I work on past the lintels
Aiming for the lime lights.

Sometimes I want to
Hang my tools, follow the sway
Just curl up in bed, and
Cry the night away.
But I ain’t slacking, ain't slacking
Not till my life is roofed, and I
Pull up my poor, battered, jagged
Rugged construction post.

My life is under construction
Growing from a boy to a man
And the working team is made up
Of Me, Myself, and I.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Test... and other ish

Okaaaaay! So i just wrote Total's scholarship test. Mmmmh! I don't know if i'll pass o, make una pray for me. The host said to check emails some 7-8 days from today; me i just wished they'll mark it already and let me off this stupid tension. This one don pass shaa; the next stage is an interview with Total executives and the reps from the instution for the program. We'll get there when we get there. Ahem!

But mehn, that test hard o, SHL stuff, VERY little time; then come see me writing at blitzering speed like the devil and all his children and great-grand children where right behind me, LOL.... O'boy, some pple really amused me at the centre. Like one guy who came with three pencils (we'd been instructed to come with pencils, erasers and calculators); the test host had to ask him if he was planning to open a super-market!

Well, in other news, i found this really funny spoof video by someone called Gbenga Salu. The video takes a comical look at the black-listing of good old Naija by the U.S. Enjoy and tell me what you think!

Hitler Defends Nigeria!!