Dry Talk + Comprehension

Ok, so i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today...

No, no wait, that's not how it started.

How it started was, it was like 3.45am and i was already up, eating bread and fried eggs - fried with red oil cos i forgot i ran out of the processed variety days ago.  Tasted like shit, i might add. But yeah, eating bread n eggs, and watching a bootleg dvd of Kung-fu Panda 2. Fully awesome, huh? Well, i just wasn't feeling it. I was having the fuzzy-woozies. So i went to the bathroom and smoked a cigarette. And another. And felt worse. Really really woozy now, the bad kind - like you get when you're recovering from a bad bout of malaria. No, wait... i think the cigarettes came first; cigarette - fuzzy-woozy - shitty eggs. Whatever. Either way, by the time i was through, i was feeling like poop-smear on the wall.

Then factor in the freakin' cold...

I guess what i'm trying to say is, why the blazes isn't today saturday?

Ahh well, that's all just dry talk. I had actually wanted to do today was a post on the principle of  Comprehension and how it also applies to relationships. You know, something in the line of "if you really comprehend what someone thinks of you, then you wouldn't be surprised by how they act or react to you..."

Or something like that.


I don't know, it all sounds kinda shallow now, but it really had a lot of flesh on it when i was thinking about it yesterday. Prolly has something to do with the shitty day.

My boss and i had a major fallout this week, and he basically rolled out every war-arm in his arsenal - yells, taunts, warnings, a big-ass query, and a sack threat - and i just sat there and took it, like the freakin man of steel. Little shitty man with little shitty power, too bad he isn't the one that employed me. I wish he'd just understand that i'm not forming die-hard or anything; i just dont fcuking care anymore.

Thank God its friday.

THE WAY I ARE

To all the NIGERIAN girlfriends i’ve dated in my life, and to the ones I’m still gonna date in future:

1. My pay-check bears only my name; stop asking me how much it has on it.

2. Either call me or don’t; “flashing” is no longer acceptable. It is silly, childish, clogs up the network, and seriously reduces my battery life.

2(b). A relationship is a two-way thing; it saddens me that I do all the calling (and texting and "facebooking", too).

2(c). When I call you today, don’t ask me why I didn’t call yesterday; honestly, I can’t even begin to explain how annoying that is.

3. Until you start paying the cab guy, picking up our dinner tab, paying for our movie tickets, recharging my phone every week, adding me to your monthly budget  – in fact, until you start doing (at least) half of what I’m doing for you, don’t even talk to me about equality. I don't like to discuss it, but honestly, money talks louder where i come from.

4. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, shebi? So how come you can have texts on phone that begin “Hello swt hrt…”, and I can’t?

5. I can actually cook for myself. I just thought I should remind you.

6. I’m sure Sigmund Freud said somewhere that women enjoy sex as much as men do, so pray tell, is it just me or is something really wrong with you?

7. For chrissakes, watch some foreign movies – I’m tired of hearing about Osuofia and Aki and Paw-paw!

8. I will never raise my hand against you, I swear it – but you’d better never raise yours neither. Babe, this is Nigeria; around here it’s only in home movies that women slap men and get away with it.

9. And lastly, I’m your boyfriend, not your father – and we ain’t married yet, neither. So you should understand when I wish you’d stop asking me for money to make your hair (or a million other things you keep cooking up). I actually know when to do treats for you, so please stop asking me for them yourself! It spoils the whole romantic kiniko. Msshewwww!

Now, if all these make me a bad boyfriend, or  a “scrub”, or “unromantic”, or whatever name it is dubbed these days, then sorry – that’s just the way I are.

The "Happy Time" Conclusion

Last night, while me and my friends (C. and M.) were hanging out, pouring libations to St. Bacchus, the issue of God's Will came up. How it happened was, C. was trying to call some babe with whom he had a shagging arrangement that night, but it seemed the bird had turned tail cos he kept on getting "number unavailable". So he takes to bemoaning his fate and says something like "God, if its your will, let me shag this night... Amen."

C.'s pretty religious, see.

Of course we all got cracking up, like Dude, are you crazy? Shagging is a sin! M. even goes as far as saying that it is actually God's will that he doesn't shag. See bad belle, hee-hee!

Anyway, all this lead me to thinking, What really is God's will? Cos i honestly don't subscribe to the "holy, holy, and holy" mantra - no way God's that boring. All through the bible, God almost always hangs out with some dude (or dudette) who had some kick in him - you know, someone who every once in a while took some time out to just swagga back and have some good ole' fun. Check out Samson, David, Solomon, Elijah, Abraham, Esther (she was a Queen, imagine! So much party!). Even way into the New Testament, St. Paul was still advicing the young Timothy to chill out and have some wine (yeah, for his stomach, i know. But c'mon, wine is wine).

See, all these good fellas i mentioned, all they did was maintain a healthy balance between the serious issues of life (like being prayerful, upright, honest, hard-working, etc.), and the fun-side of living - like sipping a likkle Moet and Hennessy, some harmless flirting, you know, and a shag or two once in a while! You think about it, God made us in His image, right? Now, every one of you reading this, tell me that you don't feel like just loosening up and having some silly good time every now and then, huh? Doesn't it just feel like instinct? Now go a lil' step further; if i'm an image of God and i'm like this, what does it tell me about God? Yeah, yeah, you can scream Blasphemy! all you want, but me i don talk my own.

Of course all this begs the question: if God thought having "fun" was such a good idea, why does his commandments demand otherwise? Easy. Cos if there weren't rules, peeps would overdo it!! Imagine if God didn't say shagging (besides your spouse, that is) was a sin - the whole freaking world would've be filled with kids conceived out of wedlock. Ever wonder why Sodom and Gomorrah was such bad place? Cos they had no rules! Me, i don't mind shagging at all ('specially if its with one sweet and chocolatey mamacita), but meeen, those two cities made an occupation out of it. Plus they were homosexuals - and that's were i draw the line. Homosexuality is BENT. Yup, you heard me. Its so bent, its competing with murder on my Sin Scale.

Ok, my conclusion? God just wants us to have a happy time, BUT WITH LIMITS!! That's all. Here's what i always tell my buddies who don't drink: God wants you to do all your drinking here on earth; that's why there are no breweries in heaven!

(kay9 is cwazy, lol...)

... and it is titled: "Hmmm."

-- As usual, Naija is in the news again... for the bad reasons. "BBC traces scam computer to Nigeria". I don't know how true the report is, but as a friend posted on Nairaland one thing is pretty clear: the Nigerian flag is current logo for internet scams - somebody say hi to Columbia (drug trafficking) and Italy (organized crime) :D  Hmmm.

 -- Ok, so the first trip to see our erstwhile out-of-station president was thwarted by the eminent 1st lady, Turai Y'all-a-Dull (a.k.a Lady Macbeth), a second contingent is now being assembled again. Meanwhile, the report of the first group is yet to be submitted to the House of Reps (it's worthlessness not withstanding) a WHOLE FRIGGING WEEK after they came back. Why, you may ask; because - wait for it! - because two members of the trip are YET to come back and append their signatures to the report  - one detoured off for a vacation in Dubai (on who's account???) while another stalked of to Spain for "an assignment". Hmmm.

 -- Peter Obi won Anambra State elections, abi? As Onitsha man talk, notin mega, posterity will judge. Cos if that election was really held, and voters were actually able to vote, then by Jehova umu-Israel there's no way Obi would've won - Dr. Chris Ngige was by-far the popular choice - damn, i'll stake my home and abroad accounts on it! And mind you i don't especially like Ngige that much.

Mehn, una need to see how sooooo unpopular that Obi guy currently is. So how did he do it?? Hmmm, you didn't hear this from me, but the thing was 3-quarters of peeps who turned for the election couldn't find their names on the voters' register. Instead they were seeing hausa names like Musa al-Kassad and Alhaji Maidogonyaro all over the register. In Anambra State!!! Since when nwa-ala igbo begin answer alhaji??! Now, i wasn't at the elections (couldn't leave my 8-5, thankya!), i actually heard these things from my mum, family and friends back in Anambra - and they can't all be lying. Hmmm, i don talk my own.

 -- And lastly, una hear of the electrocution accident wey kill people like chicken for Port Harcourt? The tori long, mak una go read am here. My people, na dia i dey follow go work EVERY MORNING OO!! Jehova onye ebere! First, the rain decides to fall in February - in freaking February!! - whaddahell issat? 2012 preamble? Global warming, abi na cooling? Hmmm. Then factor in the high-voltage cable, the big tree right next to it, and then the bus terminal beside them all. As usual, a panel has been instituted to look into the thing, and the state governor has given a speech decrying such carelessness by the PHCN - who, of course, have gone on a solidarity visit to the governor to "console" him on the unfortunate accident and assure him they're working hard to make sure it doesn't occur again. Meanwhile, the victims are languishing in pain in the hospital. Naija!!  Hmmm.

Na Who Born D Magga??

Walahi,this one was too mush! I just couldn't stomach it, i had to break my "blog-fast" to post this.

Abeg, how many of y'all read the Guardian Newspaper last sunday? Renown columnist and intrepid journalist, Reuben Abati, woke up in the morning and decided he needed to widen his scope of journalistic activity. Guess were he decided to re-test his writing skills? The Nigerian music industry (can you imagine it?!). Well, little did he know he was officially on a long ting. I mean, i respect Mr. Abati's blunt and smart analysis of our nation political/socio-economic terrain (i no go lie, d guy na one smart journalist), but mehnn, Oga Reuben really blew it this time. Wtf was he thinking writing that - excuse my french - bullshit?? Anyway shaa, i won't start repeating the 95% crap he wrote now (you can read it here if you want), but basically - summarily - inna nutshell, the magga just has an issue with naija hip-hop. Talk about a GENERATION gap.


Ok, so i thought i was the only dude pissed off, hahahahaa, little did i know what storm was brewing. First thing monday morning, Banky W (a.k.a Mr Capable) replied with a well-thought out rejoinder. God, it was su-weeeet! And the best thing was my man Banky just stayed respectful and diplomatic (no brother-hating and dissing and all that shit). Me love you, Bankii!

Not so with "Big-Boy" el Dee; nna-eh, the nwa-guy use Baba Abati wipe floor o! I read his response to Abati on naijarules.com, and LWKMD! Chineke, elDee vex no be small.

But the final funeral ceremony to Mr. Abati's piece, however, happened on (yep, you guessed right!) Nairaland.com (for the record, nairalanders are crazy; you just don't f**k with'em) My people for Blogsville, unu hu ihe NLers mere dis guy, they finish the man eh, nothing remain again! I laffed so hard, my stomach began to hurt. One poster put it very quaintly: E don be for Abati! Seriously, i started feeling sorry for the old fella; Abati isn't a kid in the world of journalism, why in God's name did he have to go and write such shit? Any idiot would've known crap like that was gonna hit naija youths on the crazy nerve.

Well, one last thing before i sign off: Shit like this is the reason lizards shouldn't try to fly. Damn it, nyagga, stick to whachu know best!