Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Scope 101

Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Picks phone. "Hello?
“Hello, please call me back. Please, please, pleeeez!” Click!
Deep sigh. Girls! Punching numbers… Ring-!
“Hi! How’re you doing?”
“I’m ok, you?”
“I’m good, good, just… I was a little…”
“A little what? Ill?
“Yeah, I had a bit of fever. I was very down.”
“Ee-yah. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”
“Well, that’s cos you never call – you never call me unless I call you first.”
“But – but -”
“You boys are like that – you are all like that. (Whining now) You never call me, never…”
“But – but -”
“But what?”
“But I called you just yesterday!”
“Yes, you did – because I flashed you first!”
Chuckling. “Baby… baby, why are you on my case like this? Relax! Don’t you know that you are my one and only?”
“Mmmh? Really?”
“Of course! The mere thought of you makes my heart skip.”
Giggling girlishly. “It’s a lie. You are just saying all that to make me feel good…”
“No, I’m not – you know I’m not.”
Sigh. “Honey…”
Smiling. “Yes…”
“Umm, I need – I need a small favor from you.”
“Yes dear. Please, it’s just a small something…”
“Umm yeah. I just – I just need a little money for my weekend shopping, something like fifteen thousand naira…”
“Honey, I said I need fifteen thousand naira, you know, just for weekend stuff and…”
“Fifteen k? For shopping?”
“Yes now… Honey it’s not much, I know you can handle it.”
“Mmmh. Fifteen thousand. Fifteeeeeeeen thousand…”
“Yes. Please don’t say no…”
“Oh thanks, dear! That’s why you are my honey-pie!”
“Umm, I’ll make a couple of calls, see how it goes. You’ll be free tomorrow, right?”
“Babe, I don’t know…”
“C’mon, give a home-boy some quality time, eh…” (makes silly funny noices)
Giggling again. “Oooo-kay, but honey, don’t disappoint me o. You still have my account number abi?”
“Of course. Hey, you can relax, you know I don’t eff-up. I’ll call you, ‘k?”
“Alright. Kiss-kiss!”


Turns to roomie and grins triumphantly.
“You get am? ‘Im gree?” asks roomie.
“Yes now! You no trust me? I scope am full time! (laughs heartily)
“Correct babe, abeg collect five jare!”
“Cool fifteen k for account tomorrow, heeheehee! Mmmh, oya abeg find another mugu numba make we flash am…”


Turn to pal and grins from ear to ear. “O’boy see dis mumu girl, for her mind she don knack jack-pot!”
“Na dat Ekaete babe? Na she dey ask for fifteen k?”
“Yes o! (laughs)
“Shebi na you get CBN now!”
“No be only CBN, even World Bank! Make she show tomorrow make I collect kpetus first; that fifteen k don enter serious voice mail…”

Now, who's really "scoping" who?

Friday, 26 March 2010

The "Happy Time" Conclusion

Last night, while me and my friends (C. and M.) were hanging out, pouring libations to St. Bacchus, the issue of God's Will came up. How it happened was, C. was trying to call some babe with whom he had a shagging arrangement that night, but it seemed the bird had turned tail cos he kept on getting "number unavailable". So he takes to bemoaning his fate and says something like "God, if its your will, let me shag this night... Amen."

C.'s pretty religious, see.

Of course we all got cracking up, like Dude, are you crazy? Shagging is a sin! M. even goes as far as saying that it is actually God's will that he doesn't shag. See bad belle, hee-hee!

Anyway, all this lead me to thinking, What really is God's will? Cos i honestly don't subscribe to the "holy, holy, and holy" mantra - no way God's that boring. All through the bible, God almost always hangs out with some dude (or dudette) who had some kick in him - you know, someone who every once in a while took some time out to just swagga back and have some good ole' fun. Check out Samson, David, Solomon, Elijah, Abraham, Esther (she was a Queen, imagine! So much party!). Even way into the New Testament, St. Paul was still advicing the young Timothy to chill out and have some wine (yeah, for his stomach, i know. But c'mon, wine is wine).

See, all these good fellas i mentioned, all they did was maintain a healthy balance between the serious issues of life (like being prayerful, upright, honest, hard-working, etc.), and the fun-side of living - like sipping a likkle Moet and Hennessy, some harmless flirting, you know, and a shag or two once in a while! You think about it, God made us in His image, right? Now, every one of you reading this, tell me that you don't feel like just loosening up and having some silly good time every now and then, huh? Doesn't it just feel like instinct? Now go a lil' step further; if i'm an image of God and i'm like this, what does it tell me about God? Yeah, yeah, you can scream Blasphemy! all you want, but me i don talk my own.

Of course all this begs the question: if God thought having "fun" was such a good idea, why does his commandments demand otherwise? Easy. Cos if there weren't rules, peeps would overdo it!! Imagine if God didn't say shagging (besides your spouse, that is) was a sin - the whole freaking world would've be filled with kids conceived out of wedlock. Ever wonder why Sodom and Gomorrah was such bad place? Cos they had no rules! Me, i don't mind shagging at all ('specially if its with one sweet and chocolatey mamacita), but meeen, those two cities made an occupation out of it. Plus they were homosexuals - and that's were i draw the line. Homosexuality is BENT. Yup, you heard me. Its so bent, its competing with murder on my Sin Scale.

Ok, my conclusion? God just wants us to have a happy time, BUT WITH LIMITS!! That's all. Here's what i always tell my buddies who don't drink: God wants you to do all your drinking here on earth; that's why there are no breweries in heaven!

(kay9 is cwazy, lol...)

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Donate For Jos, please

I actually set out to do a Thankful post (like GNG does every friday). I'd seen something on CNN that made me realize anew how lucky i am to have the things i do. Some Myanmar refugees left stranded at sea by Thai navy officials who'd initially arrested them. The dejection and despair on their faces was so heart-rending, i wished there was something i could do to help them. And then, with the thought of helping far away refugees came the thought of my fellow Nigerians being butchered alive by their own country-men in nearby Jos. What have i done to help them, i thought. Nothing. Absolute nada.

So feeling like the cool and tight kay9 who always does what he says he'll do, head puffing with pride, i went off to look for that site Suru and 2cute had hooked up. I went. I saw. And I was humbled. Then i read down to Suru's post titled "Some Resolution" and saw the link she said made her cry. I clicked...

Brothers and Sisters of blogsville, those barbarians committed a genocide in Jos. They KILLED men, women, children. HUNDREDS. Probably even thousands, i don't know. They KILLED them, BUTCHERED them, BURNT them, and left them to rot in the sun.

Why?? Why????

Why would any human-being do that to another? Because of religion?? Because of FUCKING RELIGION?????? Tomorrow Azazel will come and post something about how stupid all religions are, and someone will start telling him how myopic he is. Yet see what religion makes us do!

I don't what to say... what to do... Why? What do you do the person(s) who did this when you catch them? Kill them? Torture them? Forgive them like the Bible says? Please fellow bloggers, who knows the solution?

I'm just sitting here boiling with impotent anger. Impotent because it won't achieve anything; the dead are dead, anger isn't gonna take care of the living. So i'm going back to copy the account details for the Jos Fund on Suru's post. I'm near broke now, but as soon as my salary comes in i'll parcel-off something for those poor survivors. That's the least i can do. But for now i'm forwarding that page address to every email address i know.

I don't know what to call this post now - it definitely isn't a thankful post anymore; i just want to beg all blogsville to send something to Jos, please. Belle Naija's blog has details on how you can help.

God help us all.

UPDATE: 2cute4u has left a comment on this post; it appears the Red Cross donations account still has some issues. So please don't send any cash donations yet; just keep an eye on We Are Jos for when it is ready. Thanks!

Friday, 12 March 2010

Changing The Lock

Do you know what it feels like 
   Loving someone 
   That’s in a rush to throw you away.
Do you know what it feels like 
   To be the last one to know
   The lock on the door has changed.
                                            - Enrique Iglesias (Do You Know)

Imagine you having to change the lock...

See, it's not her; it's you - and you know it. But how do u explain it all to her without breaking her heart in the process? Cos the honest truth is the spark is gone - where to, you dont know. You are just not into her anymore.

Little insignificant things she does piss you off - things that never used to bother you. Suddenly her dress style isn't appropiate anymore; the topics that interest her sound like trash to you - and you aren't even married yet! You try to act ok, try to carry along, to salvage what you started  - cos instead of love, you are now driven by your sense of duty. But you know she hates dishonesty and its gonna be worse when she finds out.

What makes it so bad is that you had such wonderful times together, such lovely memories... How did you get to this? Or didn't you see all these things before when she was still your Morning Sunshine? And to think she didn't want at first; it was you that went after her - and got her - and now you are dumping her.

Here you are, listening to Enrique's Do You Know, and wondering: "How do i tell her the lock on the door has changed?"

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

A Pic Post


Here's the best of customer Service - Ojo-Elegba style. Now, if only banks and mobile phone service providers would borrow a leaf from that guy!


This one is actually a sales pitch.
TOYOTA HILLUX FOR SALE: In a slightly (unfairly) used condition; 6-Cow Power Engine ; Can sit more than 5; ZERO fuel requirements; Absolutely NO Speed Limit; Absolutely NO Extra/Recurrent Costs (just arrange enof chowder for the cows). For enquiries, just fly down to Kano (Nigeria), and find your way to the outskirts of the city - you'll see a good dealer if you stand long enough at a road-side.


Lol... i'm laffing so hard i can't even type straight.
However... however, one thing i can say about this dude: He's got his Swagga Mode fully active - totally gyansta, homie! LWKMD! A friend in the office described him as "Aboki with an attitude" - attitude no be small one o.


Yep, it's the Green Monster-Hero alright.
Now, ladies, this one is for you:
What would you do if your man suddenly changed into this guy - colour, size, muscles and all? ( ...and don't forget his Little John!)


Just to brighten your dreary Wednesday; WHY SO SERIOUS??

(Mehn, where's my TDK bootleg dvd...)