Z is my girlfriend, and i love her. But i love her in my own special way, and she loves me in her own way too. Sometimes i think its fate, i dunno, you can tell me what you think. But please don't judge me too harshly when you read this; i am who i am, and i ain't about to change that.
I met Z in my final year; she was in her second year then. I'd gone to visit a friend (a girl); the babe wasn't around, so i ended up with the roommate - Z. We got talking about this and that, yaddy-yaddy-yak, and that was it. I visited again a couple more times and then invited her to my place - my "crib", as i used to call it. She said she wasn't promising anything, i'd kinda figured out she wasn't the visiting type by then; I said i wasn't the normal type of guy either, and that meant she was gonna visit me whether she wanted or not. She laughed it off and i left it at that. I can't remember how many days later when Z showed up at my door; i was kinda stunned cos i didn't think she was gonna be that easy to lure to my "slaughter house" (say thankya, lol). I think i prepared indomie for her, we talked some more while i mentally plan my attack formation. Styl+ was playing on my Aiwa deck when i stood up and asked her to dance with me. She suddenly went shy, said she doesn't dance. I pulled her to her feet all the same and we began the slow-rock. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday: Styl+'s
Run Away had just cued in when i untangled my right hand from her left, tipped her chin up to meet my eyes, and then i kissed her on the lips. It was hot, soft and tender. Z flushed like crazy, her face was so hot i thought it would burst into flames; i couldn't resist laughing, and of course she flushed even more, hiding her face in my chest. Something told me right there and then that this girl has got it bad for me.
But that wasn't the moment i fell in love with Z.
Nothing much else happened that day; Z was just a year younger than i was, but i was way more experienced and it didn't feel right exploiting that advantage. We got off to a shaky start. You know that phrase, "fall hopelessly in love"? I think that's what happened to Z; unfortunately, i was just in for the fun. I didn't hide the fact that there were one or two other girls, and Z acted like she didn't really mind, but i'm sure she was just pretending. And then something crazy happened: I started loving Z back. I couldn't get her out of my thoughts - half way through lecture, i'd get this flash of her in my head, zam! i'd forget everything the lecturer was saying, just sitting there smiling like an idiot. It was weird. We had some really lovely memorable times together...
And then i finished school.
Z was a tough girl, still is too, but the pain of losing me was too heavy for her. The day i told her we had to let it go, that it was good while it lasted but this is it, all that stupid "it's not you, it's me" shit, well, Z went to pieces. But God, she covered well! She cried a little - i think she'd seen it coming a mile away - tried telling we could still be together even if we were physically apart... But i wanted to fly, fly, fly away! I didn't want any emotional attachment whatsoever - say thankya and much obliged! - just to feel my freestyle, baby!
So i said no. Z begged me to stay with her, and i said no.
Later, Z called me, said it was ok, that she understands and that we can still be friends. I tried kick against this new "friendship" thing but my guilt got the better of me, so it just sort of limped along. After a while it was me doing the calling; i even visited a coupla times, but it always left me with a 3-days hangover. Then Z started acting cold and distant; took me a while to catch up with this new and improved Z. I think this was the period she tried to purge herself of me; she doesn't like to talk about it now. Meanwhile, i was begining to feel the growing hole in my heart...
Ok, fast-forward to 3 years later, late July last year to be exact. I'm now working with an energy-servicing company, Z's in her final year; we're still more or less friends, but we've learnt our boundaries; she sometimes tells me her worries, i sometimes tell her mine; we kid and we joke, and then we pretend we just didn't - say thankya and Jah bless, but
nwanne whatafuckedup arrangement it was! And then along comes the day when my depression hits a whole new all-time low. I've always prided myself on being able to live and survive alone, you know, the whole Lone Ranger thing - but meehn, this time i just knew i NEEDED company - real, caring company - someone who actually wanted me around. And i was stuck - my two real friends, Kachez and Obiora, were now working in Lasgidi and Ibadan respectively; my "homies" back here in P.H were just that - homies, "hanging-out" buddies in simple English. And i DID NOT WANT TO GO HOME - never will it be said that kay9 went home crying to mummy.
So i went to the only place i could think off: to Z.
I called Z and told her i was coming to her place in Owerri; she thought for a while and said ok. I told her i was really feeling "unhappy" and that the real reason i was coming was cos i needed company... that i might stay over; she thought for a while again and said ok. I sighed with relief; i was already on the bus at that time. I came, she welcomed me, gave me a hug. We sat, talked about this and that, i cracked a couple of lame jokes, she asked what was getting me bad, i told her, then we talked some more... and went to bed. I felt better that night, but i couldn't shake a dull sadness in my soul - here was someone i'd ditched comforting me - it was enough to make all the angels in heaven weep! I wasn't expecting any physical intimacy that night - trust me, the Horny Hormone has a fine respect for ex-gf's - and knowing Z the way i know her, i didn't need ghosts to tell me that no monkey business'd be entertained that night. Some time around 1am, mosquitoes started biting me. I tried to ignore the bites, but i couldn't keep from scratching. And it was hot - PHCN had done their again. Z noticed my discomfort and started fanning me a plastic hand-fan. Then she asked if i'd rather stay outside for a while, that it was cool there - "outside" was the short passage in front of her room. I thought about it and said yes, let's go outside ( if i went out she'd come with me, see :)
And thats how it happened: Z on the waist-high passage barricade; me on a chair facing her, my head and arms resting on her thighs, her arms round my neck. I can't remember who touched who first, but i know it was i who spoke first:
"Z, i'm sorry..."
That was the moment.
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