Unrelated

Hi peeps. Got me a joke collection - have had it for a while now, actually - just hope it isn't stale already. Biko, if you find it funny, do me a favor and laff well-well; otherwise, well, just keep a straight face - no need for unnecessary frowning.

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I boarded a taxi going somewhere one fine day like that.
In the car with me are two ladies and one old aged man in the front.
We never even go far before the man says to the driver
"Please stop your car . . .stop the car..."

We were all thinking the man had forgotten something,
so the driver stopped the car for him.
The man opens the door, comes down and releases a very loud fart: "POOOOOOOOOHH!!!!!"

Then he comes back into the car and sits down as if nothing happened.
We all stared at him, dumbstruck . . .
The old man looks at us and says,
"Would you have preferred i did it in the car??"

The ladies reply "No, sir... No, sir."
And i add . . . "Thank you, sir."


.............................


Two guys are moving about in a Pick 'n' Pay supermarket when their carts collided.
The following conversation ensued:

1st guy: i'm sorry; i was looking for my wife.

2nd guy: what a coincidence, so am i, and i'm getting a little desperate.
well, maybe i can help you. what does your wife look like?

1st guy: she is tall, with a beautiful long hair, long slender legs, firm body and a very nice backside.
and what does your own wife look like? ask the first guy.

2nd guy: Never mind. Lets look for yours

............................

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) That's not right . . . Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive? . . . Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP . . . Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man . . .Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse . . . Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? . . Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table . . Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift . . . Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here . . . Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet . . .Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone . . . No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week . . . Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight . . . Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile . . .Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive . . . Yu Stin Ki Pu

And lastly...

16) Great . . . Fa Kin Su Pah!!!

"Iko-Cigar"

Enkay's last post - "Pissy-pissy" - brought back some memories for me - memories of me and #2 struggling to stop weeing in bed. I was like seven or eight then, #2 was a year younger, and there we were - morning after morning after morning - dripping, stinking and soaked to our bones with our own intermingled and undiluted pee. Jehovah onye ebere, was it a blessed sight!! Its just so funny remembering all that now.

You know, i say "weeing in bed", like it was a bed we were weeing on; foam is more like it - in fact, that's what we called it. Foam. Every morning, Aunty Chinasa (and later Aunty Nkechi) would come in to wake us up for school, and the heavenly scent would hit her.
"Huummmmh!!!" she'd go, kicking us awake and screwing her face up in disgust, "onye nyuru mamiri na foam a?! (which of you peed on the foam?!) As usual, i'd just point at #2 and he'd point back at me.

Sometimes, when it was too bad, mum would come in too and yell at us some, threatening to send us to the hospital if we didn't stop weeing by next week (for reason, i was REALLY scared of going to hospital). And sometimes, when it was really really bad - as in, BAD - like the ENTIRE house was reeking of our nightly depositions - dad would be forced to get involved, bringing his Mr. Do-Good along with him....

One time, our Aunty Ijego came to visit; she was dad's sister. Aunty Ijego'd grown up in the villa and she had this really funny traditional way of talking about things. It was she who first referred to our nightly exercise as Iko-Cigar. Me and #2 had done our thing as usual, and then woke up early to clean it up before anyone found out - him cleaning his side and me cleaning mine. Unfortunately for us, Ijego walked in before we were done.
"Huuuuunnnhhhh!!!" she shrieked, speaking our concentrated igbo dialect, "ndi ole duhapuru iko cigar na??!!" (who dumped this iko-cigar of urine here?)

Boy, we had it bad that day! I was too stunned to reply, i barely understood what she was saying, but i knew it had something to do with the powerful stench of urine in the room. Then Aunty Nkechi came in, heard the words "iko-cigar" and instantly had an attack of Laughingitis; my third brother, #3, who'd stopped weeing in bed before he even learned to walk, saw Nkechi and Ijego laughing at us, and joined in. Stupid kid didn't even know what they were laughing about o, im jus' join in dey laff! Mshheewww.
Mum heard too, but couldn't decide whether to be amused or angry at us. Iko Cigar, i thought, what the hell wassat?. It wasn't until much, much later that i found out that iko-cigar was that metallic cup used to measure stuff in the market - like rice and beans and garri. In other words, Aunty Ijego was saying that me and #2 had let out enough urine to fill one iko-cigar! ("iko" means "cup" in Igbo, btw) Poor mum, no wonder she didn't find it very funny. What i never found out, though, is why that cup is called that; it certainly isn't used to sell cigarretes.

I finally stopped weeing some two or three months after the Iko-cigar incident shaa; #2, on the other hand, continued on till he was like ten. In our house now, if you wanna say someone pees in bed, just call him or her "iko-cigar"; everyone'll know what you mean.

Google in Igbo!!

Google.com now comes in Igbo language! Whooopeeeee!!!!

Ok, look, i just saw it, alright? Its prolly been around for quite a while for all i know but i dun care. Here, go see. There's been a yoruba and hausa version for some months now (i think); i'm just seeing the Igbo version. Haha, now even granny in the village can google. Teeeheeheee, imagine that:

Granny: kay9, i makwa na Iran a "bombuola" ulo Barack Obama na Washington D.C?" (kay9, do you know that Iran has bombed Barack Obama's home in Washington?)

kay9: Haa, nne-nnukwu, i bia kwala ozo... (Ha, granny, you've started again...)

Granny: Nwatakiri a kpuchie onu! Ngwa chere ka m "googuluoro" gi ya... (Little child, whaddya know? Ok, lemme google it for you...)

Looool! Mehn, see me inventing new words - googuluoro, bombuola, mmmh kinda rhymes with Fabulola. I think i should meet up with Sugababe 2.0, see how we can integrate these new words into the Igbo main stream. Cos, you see, there are gonna be some of complications with using this Google in Igbo; for example, what's the Igbo word for "click"? How do you say "refresh the page"?

Actually, Google did a good job on the Igbo version - such a good job that i had to go back to the english version to find out what "Owa Ozi" means. Everything was written in central igbo - no "pidgin-igbo" whatsoever - all the kpom-kpom's and rikom's in their right places. Now for y'all that played rookie during Mbido Igbo lessons in secondary school, now is the time to go back and re-learn your language. As for me, I had a B2 in WAEC Igbo Language, seriously!! (lol!)

Offshore

I actually wrote this three days ago, but the wireless here's been more erratic than even our own good old PHCN

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Right now, I'm on an offshore oil-rig, the Noble Percy Johns, off Rivers State. Been here six days now and counting. Its terribly boring, there's no drilling going on - we are actually here for a rig move to a new platform. Luckily, the internet conn came up last night, so I've been sitting in front of my system all day, just surfing, surfing...

******

There's this white South African dude here, he's the rig safety officer. Mehn, the guy na real chatter-box, as in chatter-box-with-an-attitude. And most of the time, all the fella chatters about is sex. Shuo! How he fcuked one Akwa Ibom chic... how he fcuked two Vietnamese chics... how he prefers 3-somes to 2-somes... how he told his South African gf to suck some dude's ****!! Damn! Triple-crazy-damn!!!
It was when he got to the part where he told his so-called gf to do the BJ that i told him that's pretty twisted. I mean, i'm a free guy, i don't mind how another dude wants to run his life, whatever floats your boat... But this guy wasn't just twisted; he's totally bent, and i sure as hell don't hang with bent guys (except if they're gonna pay me a million dollars - hold on, make that ten million). Got me wondering what South African white women are like...

******

Z's playing hide-and-seek with me... on Facebook! Loooool!

Seriously, she is. I don't know why she's pretending to be somebody else - at least, she's definitely not using her name. She's using some phony name that sounds like something out of a sci-fi flick. I found out about a week ago; it was the way she writes - you know what they say about a leopard and its colours - well, NOBODY else in the whole wide world uses abbreviated words like Z does; she has a shortened version of virtually EVERY word in the English vocabulary, plus she never EVER uses a full-stop unless she totally absolutely has to. And then the clincher: her FB profile info is just too familiar to be a coincidence.

I'd asked Z if she was on FB before, but she didn't give me a definite answer. I knew from experience that she doesn't like being pressed for details so i chilled. Then about a month ago i get this friendship request; i almost didn't accept, but then i checked out the profile and saw that the person had schooled in FUTO. I thought whadda hell, you'd have to around the world three times b4 you find the fella who can scope a home-grown naija-ninja like me. So i accepted. I didn't give another thought to it until last week when it suddenly clicked: this is Z!

I know it all sounds too thin to assume so much, but you know... the way you know somebody so well you're dead sure this is them. I just know it.
I'm still keeping mum shaa, its kinda fun, see - no need to disillusion her - unless she's reading this, of course!

All about Oluchi...

I've been thinking about Oluchi. Maybe its cos I've thinking about marriage and all the girls i've known.

Oluchi is the only other girl besides Z that i've ever really admitted to myself that i actually love - or should i say, loved. I met Oluchi during my matric ceremony in FUTO - we were both matriculating, actually. My dad knew her mum - turned out we were from the same villa - so, we were introduced. I didn't see Oluchi again until weeks later when i ran into her at a buka with one of my course-mates, Bola; they were room-mates. Problem was I'd forgotten who she was, so Bola had to re-introduce us again, lol. We chatted for a while about this and that, exchanged room numbers (phone numbers and handsets were still in the future) with Bola playing match-maker in the background.... and that was it.

Oluchi and I weren't exactly close, but we had this... i dunno, special crazy connection - i'd start a sentence and she'd finish it, using the very same words i had in mind - damn, it WAS crazy. My friends knew it, her friends knew; it was all over the two of us. And then....

And then, i asked her to be my girlfriend.

And she said "no".

And i asked "why?"

And she said cos she's engaged.

And i asked to whom.

And she started telling me this dog-bites-chicken story of some dude somewhere far far away.... She was lying - she knew it, i knew it and she knew i knew it - but i was too hurt to pursue the issue. I was too hurt... I'd prepared for days for this, i was so sure, the signs were all there... I was numb with hurt. But hey, life goes on right? So i went away, bearing away my rejected heart - i don't know how to put this, how to explain in words what it felt like. I couldn't think straight for days.

Oluchi was sorry - really, really sorry - giving me the "we-can-still-be-friends" line. Fcuk that, i said; 2nd place is for suckers. But Oluchi persisted - bless her heart - she kept on calling and checking on me until i relented, and we became more or less friends again. Whatever the fcuk that was.

We got close again in final year; that was 4 years later and i was now... well, i wasn't the good boy i used to be anymore. But Oluchi didn't seem to mind, guess she took me just the way i was. She'd just moved off-campus and her house was somehow close to mine - but it wasn't the same any more. Rejection isn't something one forgets easily, plus i now had a string of girlfriends. Ok, maybe not a whole string, but definitely a handful, yep. Oluchi invited me to her place one night. I went. But nothing happened - i liked Oluchi too much for just a one-night stand, but my pride wouldn't let me get back together with her. Plus there was now this girl i really liked a lot. So i went away, and....

And the next day, Oluchi got herself a new boyfriend. Hell's gat no fury as a woman scorned. But there's one question i still can't wrap my head around to this day: Why did Oluchi refuse me when i was her's to keep??

All that is history now shaa. Oluchi is married now; she gave birth late last year. We still call each other, and she still laughs at my jokes. But sometimes, i wonder...

SALVATION!!

More than a week ago, i posted that my life was going into a down-ward spiral; well, guess what? SALVATION!! Hahaha! I've been saved! Okay, i better calm down and talk like a grown-up... tehheeehee!

Ok, here's the jek: I'VE BEEN MOVED TO A NEW UNIT - HYDROSURVEY!! Yeah baby! No more load-outs in the middle of the night or on sunday morning; no more crazy asshole-of-a-trainee-manager hanging on my case (yes o, shebi i promised to tell y'all about him sometime? No worry, jist dey flenty-flenty); eh-ehe, no more 24hrs suit-up in smelly cover-alls and RedWing boots (i kinda miss that one shaa... in a funny sorta way - and i miss my pal Alex); well, no more of all that. Its a whole new unit for moi, and i'm loving it!

Okay, okay, msheeeeww, wasn't i supposed to calm down?

You must be wondering what's so exciting about Hydrosurvey, right? Well, its cos it's in line with my career path - i did geophysics, see - and the unit is into deep-sea bathymetric surveys and offshore rig-move jobs for major E&P's, big-time. So if i shine my eye well-well, this dude could be scooping in offshore out-of-station allowances in no time. Plus my career is back online again; i'm already teaching moiself AutoCAD; get the cert into the bag, move unto another prog, and the sky is the limit. Hahaa, its Salvation baby!!!

See, thing is, i should've been posted to the unit immediately after the Graduate Programme, but issues came up... you know, stupid intra-company naija-mentality ish, plus i don already collect reputation for being a stubborn mule before. But level don pure now.

But dem dey still owe me o!!! lol! Management promises before the week's over shaa; walahi, if dem renege on that, mehn some people so see pepper o.

And to all the bee-yotiful bee-yotiful naija-ninjas who took time to console during my period of agonizing distress (chai, supu oyibo ka mmadu nwuru! lol!) - chybabe, ManC, Ada bekee, Rep_1, Myne Whitman and Solomonsydelle - thanks a lot mehn, y'all are an Army of Angels.

Abeg my people, it's almost 8pm, i wan run go house before security lock me in, i go yarn una the full step-by-step tori as soon as i get my house online conn up again - which is unitl pay enter bank, lol! For now i dey peesh for company systems - who no like awoof? :D

Swing Low...

First things first; thanks to all the nice folks who suggested ways to handle my August visitor and kid bros - miss.fab, fabulola, Ada-bekee, Dark Neo (mehn, that bribe idea really worked!), chybabe, duffie-gurl - thanks a lot. In fact, i should have updated you guys earlier, my bad, i'm really on a bad swing low now...

Well ina nutshell, Z came on friday evening as planned, i picked her up with a taxi-drop (i no get car naw, wetin home-boy go do?); she wanted to meet #2 (my bros), so the sharp guy was still around. We went home; she met #2, and they took to each other like bread and butter - of course my laser beams were on high alert in case bros over-dos it, lol. Ok, we hanged out wiv a coupla my friends; babe doesn't drink, hates the smell of cigarette - in fact i had to drag her out, almost spoiled the fun - #2 went home wiv one of my guys, i don already arrange im side, im go from there go exile.... See, hapu ogologo bekee; grown men don't kiss and tell (according to Robby Scribbles aka Mayor of Blogsterbridge aka "Let's Go There!!"), but mehn its good to have a good mamacita, mmmh, see congo! By sunday morning i was wondering if this is what it was like to be married.

Ahh... Z's gone shaa, she left monday morning - and i was like 3 hours late for work; #2 came back on tuesday, and evrything is back to its normal blah status. Damn.

See folks, i shoulda posted all this days ago, but i just couldn't summon the effort. Now before y'all start empathizing, let me state categorically: It Is Has Absolutely NOTHING To Do With The Mamacita Gone Home, okay?? Nothing! It just that my whole life is on this swing low parabola, and i'm getting sick and tired of trying to hitch it all up.

I've been owed salaries for two months.

I lent the bulk of my savings to a close family member; i'm yet to get my dough back.

My investment plans have been stalled.

I'm really, really unhappy. I think i'm gonna be away for a while, i think...

I never wanted to mention all this, but i didn't want my silence and absence to be misunderstood. See, i know i'm gonna pull through all these ish; its just the time, the TIME that's paining me - i'm never gonna get back yesterday again.

Oh shit, look at me whining all over blogsville, abeg don't be sad for me o, i'm a survivor!